What if???

There can only be one thing worse than blogging… blogging about blogging. I can’t believe I’m just about to do this...hey ho...

This is Jo.

She is a student.

She studies here.


Jo has just written an amazing blog about (wait for it) going to the toilet.

I know: Going to the toilet.

Now of course going to the toilet is not obviously the best subject for a blog. If wrote about it it would just be:

“Today I went to the toilet.”

(that’s the toilet at chaplaincy by the way in case you wanted to pop by for a crap- we also do tea and coffee.)

But in Jo’s hands this becomes blogging gold because Jo introduces us to the toilets at Whetherspoons. Just take a look at this:


and this


and this too.


The leather sofa. The bookcase. The fireplace. The Opulence.

I’m saying it…but be honest, you're thinking it: “What fabulous loos!”

All you need in there is a bar and a masseur and you spend the whole night there. Which of course, in my experience, is what a lot of women want to do. You know as well as I do that the gents in Whetherspoons is just going to be two urinals a sink and a broken soap dispenser.

Just for a second imagine a parallel universe in which the gents looks that good! Imagine Steve and Gary going to the loo in that universe. Together (obviously)!

Gary: So do you, like think she fancies me?
Steve: Oh yeah, when you were playing pool I spotted her scoping your arse.
Gary: I hate it when women do that, there is person in front of that arse!
Steve: For sure, but I think she definitely likes you.
Gary: I dunno mate. I'm just not sure about her.
Steve: What? She’s really nice and not bad looking either.
Gary: That means she definitely has a boyfriend.
Steve: Hey! Maybe you just got lucky for change.
Gary: He’s probably gone away for the weekend.
Steve: Cynic! I think she’s ok. She just needs a better dress sense.
Gary: Your telling me. That top!
Steve: With her tits she needs a halter neck.
Gary: I was so thinking that.
Steve: Yeah well you can tell her latter.
Gary: I so wish I hadn’t worn this shirt with these trousers.
Steve: What?!? You look great in that outfit! Especially with that tie. You really know how to accessorise.
Gary: What about the shoes?
Steve: Yeah they’re great! What are they a semi-brogue? What size are you?
Gary: 11. Why? Do you want to try them on?
Steve: Do I? Where did you get them?
Gary: Jones. 39.99 IN...THE ...SALE!
Steve: Jones are having a sale?!? I need to make some phone calls. I might nip down tomorrow and get myself a pair. Do you mind?
Gary: Not as long as you give me advance notice if you’re going to wear them when we’re out.
Steve: (He goes to wash his hands) Zip it up big guy the girls are waiting.
Gary: She was scoping my arse?
Steve: Yeah!
Gary: Damn! My hips have like, doubled in size in like the last week and a half! I just want her phone number. If you see me getting in cab with her, you’ll stop me, right?
Steve: Of course I’m watching your back!
Gary: Did you see the game at the weekend?
Steve: Yeah two nil. I can’t believe they allowed the second goal.
Gary: Nah! I think it was just on side.
Steve: Yeah well only just.
Gary: The ref made the right decision. We’re gonna go all the way this year.
Steve: All the way.
Gary: Man! I love these toilets. I’m gonna come back here and take some photos for my blog.
Steve: Dude! I love these toilets too. But if you don’t get your arse into gear and get back up stairs the girls are going to be buying that drink for someone else.
Gary: Is my tie straight?
Steve: Sure.
Gary: Ok lets go and get ’em!

Ladies and Gentlemen: I give you Jo Gilbert and the blog of the month. If not the year and probably the decade.

Church of England Chaplain Christianity Toilet
Jo Gilbert

Graduation

I've been at the graduations this week here's a chaplain's eye view.



And you thought the best seats were at the front!

Still nice to share in the celebration.







My hands now ache from all the clapping I've done, and I've invented a new game, basically see-how-many-different-silly-laughs-you-can-come-up-with-in-response-to-the-same-joke-from-the-chair.

One positive thing though, I did win the Vice-chancellors award for "Member of staff who most resembled a Jedi Knight".



All in all a very hot week. I'm off home now to sit in the lounge in my pants.

Church of England
Chaplain
Christianity
Graduation

Is this offensive???

Dr James commenting on a previous entry sent me this and asked "Is this blasphemy??"

What do you think???

You see on one level this video like Jerry Springer the opera is offensive. But is it blasphemy? Interestingly enough they tried to get JSTO's creators done for blasphemy.

Now blasphemy is a Greek word basically meaning to speak harshly. The question is: Does this video in any way insult Jesus? It does depict him as a sexually aroused killer but is that blasphemy. I don't think so because I don't think it actually depicts Jesus. This clearly isn't the real Jesus for a start he is seen using a mobile phone and a gun. Only a few people had both of those in first century Israel. I doubt a carpenter could have afforded a proper mobile phone. I suspect most carpenters at the time of Jesus would have had to have used a pay phone or a land line. They probably wouldn't have had broadband either.

So this isn't the real Jesus.

Secondly this is clearly intended to be humorous. Blasphemy, in my opinion, is done in a much colder spirit. I think blasphemy is more about turning away from God than pocking fun. And that brings me on to my final point, you see many people would find this offensive. Are they offended because it goes against their RELIGION or because it goes against THEIR religion.

Many people were offended by the Life of Brian but Monty Python are on record saying that they never wanted to mock Christ only his followers. So if this offends you, maybe you should see that as part of the cost of following Jesus and they grow a slightly thicker skin.

Church of England
Chaplain Christianity

Pretend vicar for the day

My vicar went away for the weekend and that meant that I got to play at being Vicar for the weekend.

First things first I had a wedding to do. Lovely couple who got all the words right and so are now legally married. Not bad considering that they hadn't done that before and I was hopelessly out of practice.

Here is a "Vicar's-Eye-View" of the wedding photos.



After that it was on to the reception and I danced the night away. Doing the Rocky Horror Time warp for the first time in years.

Then at 9pm, just as the party was getting started, they had karaoke. This is something I've not seen at a wedding before. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth I got up in full vicar gear and wowed the crowd with my heart felt rendition of Madonna's 'Like a Virgin'. Sung in duet with a delightful lesbian I'd been chatting up all evening... just between you and me... I think I pulled!

Church of England
Chaplain Christianity Wedding

10 things....

Found this on another blog and had to share it....

It origianally comes from YouTube

Religious Rant : Part 3 (Finale)

I became a Christian in 1990. That was new. My mother is not a Christian my father is not a Christian. My sister, who has met 'H' from Steps, has not met Jesus. My brothers are not Christians.

I became a Christian because I had a 'religious' or 'spiritual' experience. That was what convinced me. I read the Bible and what Jesus said made sense and my life has really changed as a result. I've never actually said that in this blog...maybe it was time I did. Jesus has changed my life. He's good at that sort of thing!

Having become a Christian I can accept that I now operate within a slightly different ethical framework, but I cannot accept that in some things I have to be LESS ethical.

Before I was a Christian I accepted that women were equal to men. Having become a Christian I can't see any reason to change that. In fact I can see a very good reason not to.

BECAUSE IT'S NUTS.

Seriously guys after spending 17 years in the real world you're discussions of women in leadership and 'male headship' are just bizarre. And I think that attempting to turn the clock back is actually unethical because we have achieved so much in the last few years.

I became a Christian because of Jesus, not because I hated feminism, because he talked a lot about love and peace and looking out for the little guy which is actually the sort of ethics that can change the world.

Perhaps...and I'm just guessing here, that should be the centre of our message.

Church of England
Chaplain

DANGER!!!!!

There are all sorts of things to be aware of when you walk about the 21st century University (something I've been doing a lot of since the campus now has more ducks than students - a subject to blog about I wonder)

I discovered this interesting sign while poking around in the depths of chemistry.

Clearly alerting us to the considerable danger from falling letter 'U's.

Actually while I think about it... it's probably not that. More likely falling horse shoes. One of those could give you a really nasty knock on the head.

They must be doing some sort of ceiling based equine study.

The wonders of modern chemistry...

Church of England
Chaplain Danger

…to continue with what I was just saying:

The current big issue in the general synod is about whether women can be Bishops or not (Just in case you’re wondering synod is the Church of England’s parliament where all the big decisions are made). About 10 years ago the Church decided that women could be vicars, but having become vicars they, unlike me, cannot be promoted.

Now think about that for a second and try to imagine any other walk of life where a woman could have a job and be told on her first day that she would never be promoted because she is a woman.

“Don’t bother going on that course, Sandra, it’s a management course and we all know women can’t be head teachers. Just stick to the classroom it’s what you’re best at and leave management to the men”

Swiftly followed by a court case!

Now people say “Ah! But this is tradition it’s the way it was and ever shall be”.

If you look back to the 50s then the ordination of women was never really a serious issue. Most people…most men…didn’t believe that women could be doctors or lawyers or pilots or politicians and equally women couldn’t be ordained for the same reason, because they were inferior to men. Which was always the argument against the ordination of women pre1950’s that was the traditional position of the Church.
As for me, well I didn’t know the 1950s. I grew up in the 1980s when we had a woman prime minister.

The world has changed and so have the arguments against women priests and Bishops. Now people argue that women are equal but different. This is a new argument informed by the changes that have that have taken place in the world in the last 50 years. So it seems a man will go to work and be happy that his boss is a woman. Or go to university and be taught chemistry by a woman or live in a country in which a women is Prime Minister but when he goes to Church then leadership must be exclusively male. You’ll notice if you look at the debates that no one (even those in the anti party) are arguing that women can’t be Bishops because they can’t do the job. No one is saying they aren’t clever enough or that will get ‘tired’ once a month or their itty bitty hands can’t hold a big crook.

No they think women can do the job. They just don’t think they should.

That is tantamount to saying the church is a parallel universe in which the usual rules do not apply. The church is a special bubble and the rest of the world will just pass it by while it just timelessly goes on. In other words the Church wants to be irrelevant.

Which is what frustrates me about religious blogs and indeed the Church in general the arguments and discussions are just irrelevant to my life. We shouldn’t be discussing whether women can be promoted or not. We should look at the world we actually live in and promote them. Anything else is an argument for absurdity.

Stop that!

Women Bishops Church of England
Chaplain

Put Kettle On

If you read religious blogs at the moment (Like WHY would you do that?!?!?) they are all full of stories about the Anglican Communion splitting.

Into the fray steps Archbishop Rowan Williams. He gave a fairly lengthy response to the whole question but I can help thinking that it would have been better to have said "Oh sod it! Let's have a brew".

I mean what better way to resolve all our problems what more Anglican way could there be. Africans accuse the US of being Satanist. America accuses the African's of being right wing biggots (Anglicanism as you can see is a paralell universe - the Americans in this set up are in fact the lefty pinkos)and then in response: "Carol! Best put Kettle on!"

What Rowan said was brilliant and focused on the ontological properties of Anglican Uinity but what we need isn't property it's PROPER TEA! Thick gloopy stuff with 5 sugars. The sort that'll get you over a major trauma.

Like on Corry "SHE'S BEEN STABBED! - Two sugars luv!"

What we got instead was a bunch of Hegelian Shite that a theology graduate would have found hard to decipher. He masterfully moved the debate away from where we all thought it was and made it about theology. Thus removing all the emotion from the argument and indecently all the passion as well.

You think its about this...well actually its a bit more complicated! Well fine Rowan I know loads of people under the age of 21 who can't be bothered to work it out...that is why your Churches are empty.

What we need is someone to actually talk plain English and engage on issues that matter. Frankly tell the communion to have a cup of tea and shut up. Then get back to the real world.

You know most people who read my blog are students...they don't give a toss about the inner workings of the Anglican communion.

In this post I'm talking about a world far, far removed from the one they and I live in. And that is the world inhabited by most of the Church.

Worrying isn't it!

Rowan WilliamsChurch of England
Chaplain

I've met God

God (Benjamine Lake) Me and Jerry (Rolf Saxon)

It is a legend in its own lifetime. It has received more complaints than any other show broadcast in the BBC’s history. A whopping 55,000. (Though interestingly enough before rather than after the play -indicating a planned campaign rather than genuine offence from people who tuned in) The show as the title suggests is an epic opera and concerns the life and times of television talk show host, Jerry Springer. In it he is shot and comes face to face with both God and Satan, as well as Adam, Eve and Jesus Christ. Which is what has drawn the criticism of the Christian Right.

So having met the man behind the show it seemed only polite to turn up and watch it especially as those who have protested against it have not actually seen it.

So off I popped to the delightfully bohemian seaside town (only time you’ll every see those 4 words next to each other) that is Brighton. There with my trusty sidekick Nick Baily I sat through the music and laughter and felt unbelievably welcome with numerous people smiling at me as they left to get a drink at the interval and one girl who shouted “Good Grief! A VICAR!” as she went past.

Afterwards I met the cast and, something of a high point for me, shook the hand of God!

So you’re probably wondering whether I liked it or not. Well being as I’ve already hinted much of the criticism of JSTO is not very considered or informed I’ve decided to do a proper review of the show which will be posted in a few weeks time.

Church of England Jerry Springer the Opera Chaplain Jerry Springer

The world will go on....but we can make it go on better

In memory of those who lost their lives on that sad day

07 : 07 : 05

Church of England

Ho Ho Holland

Well it is finished. At least for England. I went to see the match the other day at the SU Bar and stayed behind to minister to the needy and broken afterwards.

As I think back over the last few weeks I have to admit my favorite story concerns the fans from the Netherlands. Apparently they were walking around Germany with Orange T-Shirts asking pointedly "Can we have our bicycles back?"

Apparently during the German occupation of Holland thousands of bikes were confiscated. Now they want them back!

What I liked about this was I actually got a example Holland based humour. WOW! I'm not saying they're not funny. It's just the words 'Joke' and 'Holland' don't sit together in many people's heads.


See what I mean

But now this joke has been widely reported all over the press, this could be a new dawn for the Orange people. It's not just about Tulips, Cheese, and liberal laws on prostitution and drug taking. By golly they know how to laugh. So now they could completely rebrand themselves as a country.They need a new strap line. How about....

The Dutch: Slightly funnier than you thought!

Other countries with a poor track record in the international humour stakes could join in.

The Danish: Made me giggle!

Belgium: Like being tickled with expensive chocolate.

And finally

Germany: Go on! Mention the war!

Post your Dutch jokes in the comments section and join with me in celebrating the humour of the Dutch!

Anyone for tennis?

World Cup Church of England Chaplain Anglicanism