BUSY

I have so much to tell you. Today has been a good day on so many levels.

I started today with an idea. A huge idea which will take all year to do. I haven't got time to do it now so I've penciled it in to 2007/8. Rember you heard it here first.

Today was also a momentous day for Tunnel Soc. No really. It really was. But I don't have time to tell you now. So I'll do that in another post.

First of course I have to tell you about circus soc. I'm going to do that tomorrow.

Then my big adventure with Agent Pink.

Oh yes.

Cheese

"What shall I blog about" I said.
"Cheese" says Andy.
"Cheese?" I say
"Yes, cheese" says Andy.
"Cheese is GREAT!" says Sarah.
"Why is cheese so good?" I say.
"What's not to like about cheese?" says Andy.
"Exactly!" says Sarah.
"You get all types of cheese." Says John.
"Double Gloucester, Cheddar, Wensleydale..." Says Andy.
"All sorts." says John.
"Precisely" says Sarah.
"Christians are a bit like that." says John.

There is a pause.

"You don't get liquid Christians though do you, John" says Andy.

Another pause.

"I love fondu." says Sarah.

Another day passes in Chaplaincy.

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton University Chaplaincy

A is for Astro Soc

It had been raining on and off all day. Bloody typical. I had Astronomy Society penned in. Unfortunately if the weather did not clear it was going to become beer soc and that was going to turn into I went to the Stag and got a bit drunk, and there are one too many of those postings here already.

I rushed to where I promised to meet them. There they were a small group of no descript students looking anxiously out of the window.

Actually I’m not sure they were that anxious!

But as I ran up the road the clouds had cleared and it was Game on!

Of course we had to talk about politics first. Like Sam the penguin. Yes I’m sorry to mention this but currently, like the Anglican Communion, Astro Soc is split on Sam. Should they have a mascot or not?





So Charlie the president gets us ready to leave.

“You head to the common” he says “I’ll get the equipment”

I love the way Telescopes are just “The equipment”.

Hang on though. The common??? At NIGHT!

They want to take me to the common at night! AAAAAHHHH! They want it really dark. OK my knees wobble a bit. I get flash backs to “Betrayer – House on the Hill”. Except this is real.



It has been raining all day. So rainy in fact that the underpass is flooded as we begin our scary walk across the common. I am increasingly coming to resemble not an astronomer but rather a big school girls blouse.

“We should stick together” someone whispers in my ear “That way they can’t pick us off one by one!”

We arrive to observe and slowly begin to sink. They set up the telescopes then teach me how to use a kind of a map thing.



“What do you want to see?” They ask me.
“Planets” I say. There aren’t any. Except Uranus

“How many planets are there” I ask. Wrong question. 8, 9 or thousands apparently. It’s all very political. Bit like Sam the penguin.

So they hand me some binoculars and we get sight seeing. They point out some ‘things’ to me. And when I say point out I mean point out. You remember when you were a kid and you tried to point a star out to someone and they had to lean over you in order to see where you were pointing? NO MORE!

They have this laser pointer which actually sends up a beam of light that actually means that you can point out things IN THE SKY!!! Call me sad but I think that it’s worth going to Astro Soc just to see the laser pointy thing in action. I mean Stars are great and you can see more of them through a telescope than you can with, say your eyes, and you might see a planet which is a bit more interesting. I saw Uranus which looked remarkably like a star, but really, truly it’s the laser pointy thing that makes the evening. I’m not sure you really should have a high power laser pointy thing this close to an airport. But what the hell its fun!

They also have lots of red lights, and as we star gaze Team Tick circulates and takes photos. With a flash. Which really pisses them off. And I quite enjoy that!



They hand round the biscuits. Its all very nice and very, very cold. So in the end like a bunch of penguins (not unlike Sam) we head across the ice shelf huddled together in the direction of the Highfield. We notice one of the society is wearing sandals. What’s that all about?



So go to Astro Soc. Especially if you are a member of Ballroom and Latin Soc. It’s a great way to meet men. And take a thermos.

Astro Soc…three stars in a triangle formation? That’ll be the BIG TICKER



Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton Astronomy The Big Tick Southampton University University Soton Uni

Ticked Off

The next part of this story happens in my office.

I now have the sponsorship forms and people are starting to sign up, but the sheer enormity of what I have agreed to is finally starting to hit me. It’s Monday night and yesterday I ticked off a society and tonight I’m ticking off another and I may well do tomorrow and Wednesday too.

But this is an administrative nightmare. I look around my desk I have scraps of paper with the e-mail addresses of various society presidents, I have an inbox full of e-mails from various societies and I am not really sure how I am going to do this one.

Its not like tunnel soc. That did itself. I just opened my inbox every day and added another 70 people to the member list. That did take a bit of time!

But this is quite an undertaking. I wonder if I have bitten off more than I can chew.

I have a funny feeling I’m going to have fun finding out.

Advice for Newbies

Hi!

It seems there are a few more people who have dropped in this week thanks to the fact that David Walker mentioned me on his blog.

However some parts of this blog tend towards opacity based, set as it is, in a small house at the bottom of a big University. So if you haven't ever wasted hours of essential course work preparation time drinking tea and talking shite you might miss a few things.

So...the Dark Side of the Moon Chaplaincy present a nice handy cut out and keep guide for Newbies.

1) Tunnels. They are important. Chaplaincy is currently the only part of campus that officially acknowledges the existence of the Boldrewood Tunnel. You will find occasional references to Tunnels on this blog. The important thing here is just to believe.

2) The Big Tick. This is a journey. This is an Adventure. This is a post-modern existential engagement with post-Thatcher higher education.

This is me making a right prat of myself for charity. You can usually spot the Big Tick posts as they often start with a letter.

3) If you have come here from Dave Walker's blog bear in mind that none of the humour here is pictured based or line centric. Except the really surreal stuff and that is only in my head. The Tunnel goes more of less in a straight line (see above)

4) Some of this stuff is weird. I don't even understand those posts myself. If you don't get it, it's unlikely to be you.

5) I swear. This seems to offend religious people. Please do not be offended as I don't really want you to be. It is just the way I talk.

I don't swear that much. I do over use the word shite. But shit only comes up every once in a while and the word fuck is only used once.

The word fuck is only used twice.

The word fuck is only used three times.

I'll go out and start again.

Some people feel that Christians shouldn't swear. I think they shouldn't speak untruth, until I have perfected the latter I'm not going to worry about the former.

I've never said ****.

Not even then.

Thank you for popping by.

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton

Reach out and Touch...

It seems to be blogging netiquette when someone links to you...to link back. I generally do that...(if you've linked and you don't see a link to you on this page it must be taken as significant evidence that I am not actually omniscient)

(Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.)

I especially want to link back to Dave Walker though because I think the Cartoon Above (on the intervention of several Bishop's including mine, and RC Bishop who sites on the Chaplaincy advisory group at Southampton) really adds to the debate.

While I'm on the subject I should also say hi and thanks for the link to Alex Fear who describes me as...wait for it...The CU Chaplain!

How very appropriate!

It seems that after months of courting controversy on this blog with suggestions like "Blogging is Crap" and "Rowan Williams sometimes talks a tiny bit of shite", as well as publicly defending Jerry Springer the Opera, I finally get some attention for the rather silly suggestion that Chaplaincy and CU are basically the same thing.

I can only apologize really.

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton CU Christian Unions UCCF Christian Unions Southampton University University Soton Uni

B is for Ballroom and Latin Soc.

So having left the hardy world of Games Soc behind, with all its blood and violence my journey moved on.

I had come to a world of sparkly sequins and cha cha cha. I had come back in time as well to a gentler world. Back in the 30s and 40s when grandparents were dating this is what they did. Back in the days before the phrase “Do you want a dance?” meant “Can I grope you to music?”

A song plays and you can go up to any pretty young lady and say “May I?” and off you go.

“What’s your name…2…3?”
“Lucy…together…2…3”

I imagine I’ve already sold this one to most of the guys on Campus. There is however one slight problem.

YOU HAVE TO SODDING DANCE!

I walked into the room and my mouth runs dry.



I turn to Team Tick.

“I’m actually quite scared”
“Yeah, you should be.” Well that’s bloody loyalty for you.

They split the room into boys and girls. The teacher talks us through the quick step. I seem to have the grace and poise of a one legged blind giraffe.

“Right forward, together, together left back, gentlemen” the teacher says. I realise even though I’ve come out with a tie on, I’ve forgotten to polish my shoes.



“Right gentleman go and find a partner” says the teacher.

I die.

The Society President, Jenny Hale takes pity on me and comes over.



“Put your hand on my shoulder blade” she instructs me “then put your hand up like that, no not like that like that.” Good grief I haven’t felt this physically inept around a woman since…well you know. Ok so I’m standing opposite Jenny. One arm around her the other stretched out and I’m just looking at her and we’re standing perfectly still and I feel myself shaking and then, oh dear Lord no….they…

PLAY MUSIC.

Oh no. OH NO! I have to move. My legs turn to jelly and I think I’m going to pass out. I put my head down and force my feet to do something.

And then we’re actually dancing.

Jenny is wearing a pair of dark suede shoes. Slip-ons with a slight heel. Black.

After her I dance with Julie who is wearing brown shoes. Then someone in trainers.



So far I haven’t managed to look any of them in the face. Still at least I now know how my Granddad ended up with my Grandma.

Feet start to hurt. Then my ankles then my calves and then my knees…”Where is this pain going to stop?” I ask myself.

All of a sudden its time for the end of the first half. I look at my watch how can it be 9 o’clock already? WOW.

Someone who knows me comes up to me and says “are you staying for the second half?” Oh yes I reply.

“Great!” she says and turns to her friend “The Chaplain’s staying for the Latin Half”

OH CRAP!

Latin is all in the hips and involves quite a bit of spinning round.

Yes I really was that shit at it!

We got to my last dance, which was with Emily the Medic. Emily actually has eyes. Which was nice to notice.

But having achieved quite a bit in my 33 years, I have to say hardly anything rivals the feeling I got spinning round and putting my hand out and finding Emilie’s actually bloody there! YAY!

OK several things to note.

1) Gloria Estefan you can just bugger off, because the rhythm is not going to get you, if you don’t bloody want it to.
2) Despite being totally crap actually dancing is entirely possible.
3) I really wish there was more of this sort of thing in the world.
4) If I haven’t convinced you yet, do bear in mind they have a shortage of blokes.

Ballroom and Latin Soc:
Cha Cha Cha…Cha Cha Tick.





Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton Ballroom Dancing The Big Tick Southampton University University Soton Uni

Dark Side of The MOON

Some people wonder about the origins of the name of this blog. Obviously it is a Pink Floyd reference.

It all started when I driving in the car one day and I was listening to Brian Damage and it just seemed to say what I wanted to say...

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear.
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

I've been accused of being a bit surreal...and so if you feel a bit out of place...come and chat.

Anyway I finally found the Dark Side of the Moon. I was right at home. In the 'real world' they call this place Winchester School of Art. I've looked into this mirror.

It is a parallel universe. Like for example the fact that one the Highfield Campus there is a huge sign in the middle of campus: "You are at the Heart of the UK's leading Science and Engineering University" at WSA they don't even know what science is...here there is a new word...a word Highfield has long forgotten. ART.

It took me a while to get there. I had to pull over and ask directions. I met an lovely old duffer of the type Winchester seems to manufacture...

"School of Art you say? Oh just down there...one way system you go round and round and round and round and stop at the pretty young ladies...rah!"



I was shown round the School and its really different than down here. It's sort of anarchic. Student welding and cutting all over the place. Or chatting about material. One student saw a piece of rubbish and picked it up. I thought she was going to throw it away...but she gave it a good feel and then took it upstairs to make something with!

The students draw on the walls. I saw this one which seems to include a student number so one more member for BTS then!





Then as the School Manger showed me a pile of gloop on the floor.

"Hmmmmm..." he said "I wonder if something has leaked or if that's art."

On closer inspection it turned out to be treacle. That must be Art he concluded we better leave that!




The SU at WSA is brilliant it is so Art College. They have actually spent money making it look like someone trashed it.

I think I like the place!

I even managed to find some students to talk to me.



One of them...turned out to be in Break Dancing Soc...I didn't know there was one. I feel a Tick coming on.

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton

Burgess Road

While walking home this evening I spotted loads of people stuck at the traffic lights on Burgess Road.

Literally loads of them. All trying not to get run over.

You want to see it. I always miss this one because I don't normally leave work till midnight. But if you go along Burgess Road at tea time you will see what I mean the hoards waiting to go home to Glen and hoping not to get run over on the way.

If only the Tunnel was re-opened!

I wanted to illustrate this story with a picture of someone dodging a car. Helpful hint for you if your ever doing a google image search for 'dodging car' remember that dodging is spelt with a 'D' and a 'G' and not two 'G's.

The Big Tick is progressing nicely. Hopefully I'll be beaten up by the end of the week.

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton

CU Persecution

Just taking a break from the Big Tick for a moment to engage on something else.

This week the news is all about Christian Persecution. It seems that 1700 years after the edict of Milan with which the Emperor Constantine legalised Christianity in 313AD that for the first time Christianity is being actively persecuted in Europe.

BOLLOCKS.

Anyway, lets unpack this. This is all to do with the fact that several University Student Unions have apparently 'Banned' their CUs. Another University has banned them from teaching Christianity on the grounds that Christian Morality is Homophobic.

Ok so first things first. Homophobia like any prejudice is a sin. So any society which promotes it is not Christian and deserves to get banned. I am 100% sure that CU agree with me on this one.

Secondly the SU’s (student Unions) in question have not banned the practice of Christianity. They have disaffiliated the CU.

The problem here is that the SU is trying to do something which they are not really set up to do, facilitate the practice of religion. We have moved a long way from the days in which a bunch of students met to have Bible studies in their room. Now we have all sorts of legislation regarding the practice of religion on campus and it is no longer helpful to have this centred on student societies.

As someone from estates pointed out to me recently there are all sorts of Muslims on site who want to practice their faith: students, staff and visiters. It is silly really to have the University deal with the Undergraduate society of the Student's Union to sort this out. There needs to be someone else.

Dito for Christianity. Let me ask you why does the CU need to be affiliate to the SU? Surely the solution to this problem is for CUs over the country to become part of Chaplaincy. After all according to our DVC if chaplaincy needs more sapce for an event then we only have to ask for it. Equally if CU were an official chaplaincy society they would not need to rely upon the Student's Union for space they could through chaplaincy deal with the University directly.

It might be objected that this would give Chaplaincy too much power over CU. Actually it wouldn't give chaplaincy any power over CU. I don't have any power over cath-soc. It would give CU the support of chaplaincy.

People might say that if CU became part of chaplaincy then chaplaincy might disaffiliate them...then where would they be? Except of course SUs are currently doing just that. Now ask yourself who is more likely to disaffiliate a CU, a bunch of left wing secularists or other Christians? Take your time with this one...it is an intelligence test.

This also takes the SU away from religion and back to what they do best. Heavy drinking, extreme ironing and comedy nights.

CUs walked away from SCM in the 1920s and they walked away, for the most part, from Chaplaincy too. Now they find themselves in a far country eating the swine food of SU politics.

It's time for the CU to come home.

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton CU Christian Unions UCCF Christian Unions Southampton University University Soton Uni

G is for Games Soc (Part II)

"I've come to play..."

Except its not that chuffing simple is it?


“Er…right” says Mike the president. “Er…take a seat and um…”
Mike and Alex are fighting over territory in Necromunda. This is a quick game. Except what you and I call a quick game clearly has a different meaning here. This is games soc and they kind of take this sort of thing seriously. Like with tape measures. Well how else are you going to see if you are in range? And then there is the dice. You think you know how to roll a dice? SHUT UP. Cos you don’t. You just have no idea. So just don’t. You go and find Mike and then you DO IT PROPERLY.

Alex has got a bounty hunter and not much else. He’s going to get a kicking. So he’s sensibly hiding behind a corner. So this sort of prolongs the game. After a while Mike fires a heavy plasma gun. “A big ball of hot stuff “ is how he describes what comes out of a heavy plasma gun. The bounty hunter goes down. But the bastard refuses to die!

So I wait.

And wait.
Team Tick sarcastically suggests we sit in the corner playing snap. That’s not really joining in though, is it?

I circulate. I meet Anthony the Events Fairy. He’s playing something called a CCG. A what?!? A collectable card game called “Middle Earth -the wizards” which came out before Magical gathering which is the one everyone knows. Lots of people think it’s just a card game, which is really silly because it isn’t. A CCG is different because it’s a card game with dice. You have to differentiate that from an ordinary card game.

Yes.

He’s playing with Mark.

Eventually Mike comes and finds me again. Alex has just slinked off and decided that this bit of territory is not worth fighting over.

“So you have the territory now then?” I ask.
“Well not exactly” says Mike. It’s always more sodding complicated than that with sodding games soc.



Mike explains that we are going to be playing Betrayal – House on the Hill. “It’s the most Satanic Game we’ve got” Mike tells me.

Mike says that we are a bunch of inept Ghostbusters exploring a haunted house. “You get to play the priest” someone says. Each character has a different amount of strengths and weaknesses. The Priest has the most sanity points. LOOK I’M NOT KIDDING YOU! THAT’S WHAT THE GAME SAYS. As you go around the game scary stuff happens. Now how this stuff (finding bodies, walls pulsating with warm flesh etc) affects your character depends on how sane he or she is. So obviously nothing affected me.






However once the game progresses the real haunting gets underway and this turns out to be something like an attack of the undead. At this point I discover that the priest is a 7 stone weakling. Although he has loads of sanity, he has bugger all might. So the first undead that walks up to him just rips his head off. I spend the rest of the game quietly bleeding. This is a bloke walking round a haunted house with a head just begging to be ripped off by any passing zombie and who isn’t scared. What the chuff is sane about that???!?!?

Anyway in the end the undead win!

Next time don’t take a sodding priest take someone who hits people.

I’m about to leave when one last game board in unfolded. “You in” asks Nick. It’s not Sci-fi or fantasy. It’s Trains!

“What colour counters do you want” asks Nick. I give him a look. “Fair point!” he says and chucks me the yellow ones.



And you know what. I had fun. I haven’t played a board game since I was about 10. Which I now realize is a shame.

I came to Games Soc….and I gave them a right good ticking.

G is for Games Soc

I walk into a canteen.

Scrap that! Because the next part of this journey takes place in the imagination.

The door slides aside I blink in the half light. I cough as the dank, dusty air fills my lungs. I am desperate to take a deep breath to clear my throat but the stench around me makes me think better of it. It’s not exactly cold but the darkness makes me shiver.

I cautiously make my way forward. I know there is danger round every corner. The walls are cold metallic in places heavily corroded. This is an old place. Here and there through cracks I can see earth and roots. I know I am deep underground. Before me lies a lattice of walkways and caverns. The caverns contain treasure that the rival gangs are fighting over. The walkways and corridors offer some protection.

I have bought the Big Tick Team for support -Team Tick as I like to think of them. I turn to them and they look worried. This is someone else’s territory. We are in the vast catacombs of the Hive City in Necromunda from Warhammer 40,000.

In the distance I spot a figure. I decide to make my way towards him. It could be one of the gang members, or a bounty hunter. If I make a mistake now it could cost me dear but he is lightly armed with just a blaster so I decide to risk it. As I approach he steps into the light and I recognize him from the other place, the one I used to call the Stag’s Head. That was before Necromunda.

“Are you games Soc?” I call.
A man of few words, he just nods.
“I’ve come to play”

International Chaplain

We have an international chaplain at Southampton University.

Dr Rachel Wadhawan.

Now you're probably wondering what an international chaplain is for. Well the other day I discovered. She is there to keep chaplaincy finger (the one we keep in a jar of vinegar) on the international pulse.

I told her I was orgainising a little chaplaincy soirée to go and see Borat. She replied....Ah of course you've seen the original Borat bloke. No I thought. It turns out that Borat is based on a bloke from Turkey. Here is his web site.

So I now I know.

And so do you.

Islam

I was going to write something you. Something profound and interesting on the question of inter-faith relations. I was going to write this in the light of the Popes words, and the protests that followed. That of course was weeks ago but I have waited a bit because I wanted to add light and not heat.

I was thinking of making a point about burning the pope in effigy being a bit offensive or maybe making a wonderful anti-catholic comment that way I could be sure I had offended at least someone. Which is of course the art of successful blogging.

What changed my mind was a web site. It was a web site that the right wing press described as a ‘radical’ for that read ‘dangerous’ Islamic web site. The Muslim Public Affairs Committee.


Now when I looked at the forums of this site at the time when the Muslim anger was at it’s worse before the Pope’s apology I did not find a single post calling for demonstration not a single post calling for the Pope to apologise for causing offence to Islam. What I discovered was people basically saying “oh so what”.


And I thought to myself, I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist but it’s like the media want me to believe that Muslim’s are agitating. I mean there were tales of demonstrations all over the press even the Church Times had pictures of Muslim’s burning effigies of Benedict on their front page, yet here was a group of radical Muslims and they were being the exact opposite.

What surprised me most was my own surprise at this one.

And I thought about that. Islamaphobia is on the rise in Britain today in one survey saying a third of people view Islam as incompatible with democracy. Yet of course very few people want to admit to feeling this way. Yet here I was looking at a web site and being surprised at the story it was telling. I clearly had already made up my mind. Maybe I was influenced by the media. Maybe it’s not the media in some conspiracy that is the problem. Maybe it is that Islamic agitation stories sell newspapers.

I have heard it said that Muslim’s should tackle extremism because we are facing a backlash. Equally Muslims according to Jack Straw should do more to integrate for the sake of race relations. I think this is making Islamaphobia into a Muslim problem.

But Islamaphobia is by definition a non-muslim problem. The main way we will tackle is by admitting it is there. So does anyone else what to admit to this one…or is it just me?

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton Southampton University University Soton Uni Islam Islamophobia

Tuesday....

I walked to work this morning as I do every morning. I overheard a workman and his mate chatting as they unloaded a truck outside the Nuffield.

"Yeah even that bloody Carol Thatchers not 100% British." he was saying.
"I can't believe it" his mate was replying. This is how racism in Britain will die!

I arrived at work for a staff meeting with the Big Tick team. Putting together a plan of action. We also had a round table discussion as to how to approach the thing. I think everyone in the room was focused on the job in hand and quietly excited, while simultaniously nervous. Still I've got a got a good team behind me.

I started this off the only way I knew how. I went to the pub, there I found several societies in their natural enviroment and thanks to Alcohol receptive. Circus soc were in the corner juggling (I kid you not) and I think they are prepared to set fire to me or chuck knives at me. Mind you I'm not sure I'm gonna look as good as Kylie in the outfit:



Anyway I have run into the first problem which is that several societies that are happy to host me meet on a Monday. So that means slightly more logistics. Anyway I am now just doing a web page and then...

tomorrow we start.

This is slightly more nerve racking than tunnel soc. Mostly because I'm doing it in public. I didn't have a blog back in the tunnel soc days. Still at least no one reads this...and...if they do and I fall flat on my arse hopefully they'll laugh.

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton Southampton University University Soton Uni The Big Tick

Going to Hell

I had a conversation with Jo the student nurse the other day when she said something which made me think.

She refered to "the bit of the Bible that says I'm going to hell".

That worried me. Its supposed to be the good news book. Yet there are so many people who instead of getting life in all its fullness feel that the Bible just condemns them. That's such a shame.

Or at least I thought so...but then I looked and found Hezikiah 7:32 which is in fact the bit of the Bible that says Jo goes to hell.

Fancy that!

For those of you who don't know this passage here it is:

And Lo for the LORD did saith
unto the people of the Island of the North
there shall arise a woman...
and thou shalt calleth her Josephine or something a bit liketh that
and she shall be trained in the healing arts
and the Lord shalt sayth unto her
“Josephine canst thou vouchsafe to see the place in the arm where the arm bendeth and also the place whereupon the seat is seateth
and canst thou see the difference betwixt them?”
And Josephine shall reply
“verily LORD doest thou ask me indeed if I canst spot the difference betwixt the 'arse' and the 'elbow'?”
and the Lord shalt say "Yea"
and Josephine shalt say "Nay LORD for during my lectures sleep came heavily upon me and slumber didst overtake me and I herdeth not neither didst I learn of such things"
And the Lord shalt say "Oh, for goodness sake, Jo, calleth thouself a student nurse? Yet thou canst not spot the difference between a knobbly joint and an arse of the sort that thou canst park a bike in”
And Josephine shall be contrite and say “It appeareth so Lord”
“Right” sayeth the Lord “Well you can just consider thyself well and truly smited.”
And the anger of the Lord shall be kindled hot against her and the Lord shall smote and Josephine shalt depart thence unto hell.

And the people shalt rejoice for behold there will be one less nurse to be unemployed at the end of her course. Even unto the doll cue.

here endeth the lesson.

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton Southampton University University Soton Uni The Big Tick Hell Nursing Arse Elbow

Alex Jones Knitting

See just like this:



You only need to watch the first minuute

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton Southampton University University Soton Uni The Big Tick Knitting

So that's that then

I like to think of Alex Jones as unusual. In that she DOES have a thing about needles but ISN'T a heroin addict.

I was having coffee with her, transfixed by the sight of the needles blurring together as a sock took form in front of my very eyes. I'm not sure how to accurately describe the grace agility and sheer speed of her work. Basically its a bit like watching Revenge of Sith at double speed. Only slightly more wool based.

Anyway I now had my mission and I had a charity signed up (that was the contents of the e-mail) but I still felt like this was something that was sort of happeneing to me. There was too much orgainisation to do it. And I didn't know where to start.

Alex and I were walking later through the night air and Alex asked me what I was going to do this year..."Oh I don't know" I said "Probably going to play societies Bingo or something like that."

What followed then were a hundred and one ideas as to how this would work.

Followed by...

"So do you want me to e-mail every single society then?"

So that's it then. Off we go.

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton Southampton University University Soton Uni The Big Tick

What Yellow did next

So the next part of this story takes place in a disused warehouse. Actually that’s not true but it would be cool if it was. Especially the sort which look like they’ve been purpose build for drug dealers and gangsters to have meetings in. Lots of puddles and a shopping trolley thrown in one corner.

The next thing that really happens in this story is a wedding. Lovely affair. The usual suspects. Bride, Groom, best man, couple of bridesmaids that kind of thing. I was there being a vicar.

Anyway to spare you the details. He took her, she took him and then they both took each other off on honeymoon. Just before then they had a wedding reception. They kindly asked the bloke who married them. Now luckily this wedding reception without karaoke so I didn’t have to embarrass myself with my falsetto rendition of ‘Like a Virgin’.

Anyway so I’m sitting there feeling happy about the fact that I saw off Peter’s attempt to ruin my life with his silly student-a-thon thingy.

- Without a charity it falls on its arse so that’s OK then.

I drink a few beers. I drink a few more. Everyone comes up to me and says “Lovely service Vicar”. Which, while we’re on this subject, is really boring. For a change can someone please come up to me after a christening or something and say. “That was really shit. Worse service I’ve ever been to.” Just for once. Please?

So anyway I’m about to go because it’s that time of night really when this woman comes up to me. I imagine it’s another lovely service vicar type conversation and that’s exactly how it starts.

“Lovely service” she says. I act surprised like I’ve never heard that before. “Now there’s something you can do for me.”

And as she says that, she sort of backs me into a corner. Oh my word! Slightly scary! In an affirming way. Of course this sort of thing doesn’t happen to me very often and as I clearly can’t run away I ask what I can do for her. She explains that she is involved in a local charity called “Liberty Child” they provide holidays for disabled children. She wants me to help. How can I help? Well she’s not sure but she just sort of thinks I can. I think she really wants me to.

So I’ve had a few drinks so I say “Oh I don’t know how about I go and do one activity with every student society at my university and then someone gives you money”. It’s incoherent drivel but it’s been a long day. Then she goes and gets someone else, who also has a link with liberty child and I repeat what I just said. I realise as I’m speaking that I’m talking crap and I’m expecting them to start laughing any minute.

Instead they both shrug.

And then one of them says: “OK” and that’s it.

“Wait a second” I say “Why don’t you e-mail me.” I scrawl my address down and then leave. In the cold light of day I imagine they’ll forget this one.


Three days latter I get and e-mail….

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton Southampton University University Soton Uni The Big Tick

The Big TICK

OK... well this story starts in Peter's office.

Peter is the minister of Swathling Methodist Church and comes into chaplaincy two days a week.

It's been a long day and Peter takes time out from an important game of solitaire for a chat about chaplaincy matters. Some point in the conversation we get on to student societies. We were discussing the fact that there are so many of them. I mean everything from Marxists to Modern Dance. Maybe I was talking about the fact that quite a few students feel a bit lost in a University as large as this one. I'm just not sure. The only thing I remember clearly is talking about how many societies there are.

The conversation moved on to my job. Peter is always ribbing me about the fact that I do no work and spend most of my time in the Stag's Head. I explained to Peter that I often go to the Stag with students.

"Oh?" he says "Are you taking them all out for a drink...one by one?"

"No Peter" I reply "there are 20,000 of them. That's a lot of nights out...probably couldn't manage that unless I was here for 20 years and by then the freshers would have graduated"

"You should take out several at once...like maybe a whole student society"

"I suppose I could" I said "Taking out every student society would probably only take up every night for three years and then I could go round again. Ok I'll do that."

Of course I was joking and the story probably would have ended there. Had I not uttered the next sentence:

"Except for the Cheerleaders"

"What wrong with the cheerleaders?" asks Peter with an air of indignation.

"Oh come on!" I say "I'm a balding Vicar nearly in my mid thirties. They're a bunch of teenagers in PE skirts. There is no way that taking them all out for a drink is not sleazy!"

Peter laughs "Oh no" he says clearly warming to his subject "that's not what you do with Cheerleaders" I had no idea I was in the presence of such a cheerleader expert. So I decide to press him on this one.

"What do you do with cheerleaders?" It's not a question I feel comfortable asking another clergyman.

"You cheerlead with them" he says, with a knowing smile. He goes on: "Cheerleading with the cheerleaders, Modern dancing with the modern dancers. Demonstrating with the Marxists. Yeah that's what you do."

"Who does?" I ask perplexed.

"You" He replies.

"No I don't" I say.

"Yes you do. You had that tunnel thing" He says

Oh great, I think, Peter has got a proper job, so he thinks I have time for this sort of rubbish. He's not prepared to do it so he thinks he can just set me off. It's clear that since the students - Not me, note- since the students started tunnel soc I have become the 'zany' chaplain in Peter's eyes. Triff. I've always wanted to be zany! Zany is like one step removed from whacky. And whacky is just another way of saying wanker.

"I'm not doing it Peter." I say flatly. "I'm not going to do something with every society. I'm doing anything with one. I'm busy sitting in my office waiting for non existent students to come round."

"Is that because you can't?" he asks.

"NO!" I reply with some force. "I completely can. I just don't want to."

"I bet you can't" he says mocking me. I check to see if I've grown sideburns. I haven't. I explain I don't believe in gambling. That kills it dead.

"OK" he says. "I'll donate money to charity. For each and every society you take part in an activity with. I will donate a sum to charity."

I can't argue with that.

Bollocks.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. I think.

Oh Crap. Not again.

Of course there is one hole in his plan. We don't have a charity...


...but that is another story...

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton Southampton University University Soton Uni The Big Tick

Fireworks Night

It was fireworks night...at the University. An opertunity to get together and well... watch fireworks there wasn't a lot else going on really.

This is the first year they have done this since I was appointed. It was a damn fine idea anyway. Campus was packed with students, and I mean packed. Given that this was freezing cold and night time.


I snaked my way through the crowd spotting students I knew. Saw Candy the Enviroment officer who is going to try and help us save the garden. I saw some poeple from Fishnet Soc (AKA Showstoppers)

The fireworks were absolutely fab! I thought I would give you just a taste of what went on....


How cool is that...bet you wish you were there!

The bottom line is socialising is good... and indeed this Sunday we had a newbie turn up at chaplaincy...so what did we do we took her straight down the pub and bought her dinner...


I'm not saying that's gonna happen to you if you pop down...but you never know do you!

Anyway you're probably wondering what all this "Big Tick" malarky is all about aren't you?

Well I'll tell you tomorrow.

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton Southampton University University Soton Uni Fireworks

The Last Supper

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton Southampton University University Soton Uni Communion

Ecumenism...

I've been thinking a lot about ecumenism the last couple of days.

For those of you who don't know ecuminism basically means all churches being one. Well actually it doesn't mean that but I can't be bothered with theology so I'm saying that as a way of sticking two fingers up at my own extensive theological education.

AnywayI had enough of Stephen Colbert so I've decided to illustrate this one with some home grown tallent.

Here is Stewart Lee, making a welcome return to my blog as Jesus.

This one is specially for Andy as we have had so many conversations about this one.


Says it so much better than me...

Church of England Chaplain University of Southampton Southampton University University Soton Uni Communion

The Big Tick

Somethings coming....

soon...

something big...

watch this space...