Emma the music student comes into chaplaincy every day and plays the piano.
The problem is every time I see this
In my head...
...I see this
This is OK as long as I don't tell anyone.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
You Muppett
The trouble with childhood is you never really leave it behind do you?
Emma the music student comes into chaplaincy every day and plays the piano.
The problem is every time I see this
In my head...
...I see this
This is OK as long as I don't tell anyone.
Emma the music student comes into chaplaincy every day and plays the piano.
The problem is every time I see this
In my head...
...I see this
This is OK as long as I don't tell anyone.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Christian Agony Aunt
From the March 2008 edition of Christianity Magazine.
Their Agony aunt deals with difficult issues no one else will face.
This month: "MASTURBATION CONTROLS ME"
A woman in her 30s who has only ever dated one non Christian (whom she chucked) and now finds that she can't leave the little man in the boat alone.
Maggie Ellis, Christianity's Resident agony aunt recommends, taking up Salsa Dancing, getting pampered in a beauty salon and, I quote:
"What about getting an affectionate breed of dog, or a purring machine cat? My black Labrador will lick me to death on my arrival home from a draining day"
Their Agony aunt deals with difficult issues no one else will face.
This month: "MASTURBATION CONTROLS ME"
A woman in her 30s who has only ever dated one non Christian (whom she chucked) and now finds that she can't leave the little man in the boat alone.
Maggie Ellis, Christianity's Resident agony aunt recommends, taking up Salsa Dancing, getting pampered in a beauty salon and, I quote:
"What about getting an affectionate breed of dog, or a purring machine cat? My black Labrador will lick me to death on my arrival home from a draining day"
Monday, January 26, 2009
Bowling
Said I "There's not really an upside to being bald, apart from being able to leave the house without a comb."
Said she "No, I suppose not, although you could always buff it up in a bowling ball polishing machine."
Ah yes, people with hair can never do that.
Imagine my joy, I mean focus on how complete my life now is. I now know, that somewhere in the world, there is a machine full of wax, with a big sign on it that reads: "Polish your balls!"
No, that's not what makes my life complete. What makes my life complete is the thought that I can shove my head in it and then travel, at speed, down a bowling lane, upside down with my arms crossed.
I don't know why she came to see me.
Probably something about God.
Said she "No, I suppose not, although you could always buff it up in a bowling ball polishing machine."
Ah yes, people with hair can never do that.
Imagine my joy, I mean focus on how complete my life now is. I now know, that somewhere in the world, there is a machine full of wax, with a big sign on it that reads: "Polish your balls!"
No, that's not what makes my life complete. What makes my life complete is the thought that I can shove my head in it and then travel, at speed, down a bowling lane, upside down with my arms crossed.
I don't know why she came to see me.
Probably something about God.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Crap verses opinion
A well researched piece putting the American election in context: No Comments
A well thought out opinion piece on the police and parliament: No comments
A short but somewhat original piece on the economy: No comments
A uninformed rant about the use of the word "an": Seven comments and counting.
FEEL MY PAIN, PEOPLE!!!
A well thought out opinion piece on the police and parliament: No comments
A short but somewhat original piece on the economy: No comments
A uninformed rant about the use of the word "an": Seven comments and counting.
FEEL MY PAIN, PEOPLE!!!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Things that annoyed me about yesterday
The thing that most bugged me about yesterday was the word 'An'.
That bugged me a lot.
It was according to the BBC and indeed every other news organisation an historic day.
You see I was always taught that you say 'a' when it isn't a vowel so it just makes me twitch a bit. What I actually say, in fact, is something along the lines of 'er historic day'. All this from a man who refuses to pronounce the letter 'H' as 'Hache'.
Am I ignorant people? Uncouth? Uneducated? Chavvy? Please no!
Am I alone in this one? Or does anyone else murder BBC English in this way?
That bugged me a lot.
It was according to the BBC and indeed every other news organisation an historic day.
You see I was always taught that you say 'a' when it isn't a vowel so it just makes me twitch a bit. What I actually say, in fact, is something along the lines of 'er historic day'. All this from a man who refuses to pronounce the letter 'H' as 'Hache'.
Am I ignorant people? Uncouth? Uneducated? Chavvy? Please no!
Am I alone in this one? Or does anyone else murder BBC English in this way?
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Cadillac One
Apparently Barack Obama is getting a new car on Tuesday. He's not going to get George W. Bush's old one, he's going to get a new one.
It is all fitted out with the latest mod cons, including bullet proof glass you could fire a RPG at without it breaking and it's own atmosphere. That's right terrorists could actually strap the car onto a Saturn V rocket and fire it into orbit and the President would probably survive. It also has a CD changer. Given that this includes security that is so up to date we don't even know it exists, surely there should be a dock for the First IPOD? Or maybe the secret service didn't realise they had been invented, on account of how they're not classified.
According to my secretary the car comes with a rather unusual extra, in that it has a couple of pints of Obama blood. Makes me wonder what they are going to do with W. blood on Tuesday afternoon. Are they going to give it back to him or just whack it onto ebay?
It is all fitted out with the latest mod cons, including bullet proof glass you could fire a RPG at without it breaking and it's own atmosphere. That's right terrorists could actually strap the car onto a Saturn V rocket and fire it into orbit and the President would probably survive. It also has a CD changer. Given that this includes security that is so up to date we don't even know it exists, surely there should be a dock for the First IPOD? Or maybe the secret service didn't realise they had been invented, on account of how they're not classified.
According to my secretary the car comes with a rather unusual extra, in that it has a couple of pints of Obama blood. Makes me wonder what they are going to do with W. blood on Tuesday afternoon. Are they going to give it back to him or just whack it onto ebay?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Talent
To the Hobbit as the guest of Games Soc.
Where I witnessed the phenomenon that is 'Garyoke'. Think part busker, part wondering minstrel, part comedian and part children's entertainer.
Basically I watched a man work his way effortlessly through about 200 songs over the course of two and a half hours while getting his clientèle to hope, skip, jump, mime, perform actions and sing along.
The genius that is Gary Myles (for that is his real name) is that he seems to have grasped the eternal truth: if it is utterly silly and makes you look like a nob*, and everyone else is doing it, joining in is immeasurably fun**.
As a journeyed home (having acquired a car full of Games Soc-ers somehow) we reflected on just how insanely talented you have to be just to do a pub quiz let alone actually winning X-Factor. Gary is back in the Hobbit in two weeks time. Do some revision and then seriously you should pop down. You really should. Trust me your not having enough fun.
Speaking of pub based talent, did I mention the Stile Pub quiz is back on? No? I wonder how I let that one go.
* embarrassing photos to follow when the student has got round to putting them on facebook
** often subject to amount of alcohol consumed.
Where I witnessed the phenomenon that is 'Garyoke'. Think part busker, part wondering minstrel, part comedian and part children's entertainer.
Basically I watched a man work his way effortlessly through about 200 songs over the course of two and a half hours while getting his clientèle to hope, skip, jump, mime, perform actions and sing along.
The genius that is Gary Myles (for that is his real name) is that he seems to have grasped the eternal truth: if it is utterly silly and makes you look like a nob*, and everyone else is doing it, joining in is immeasurably fun**.
As a journeyed home (having acquired a car full of Games Soc-ers somehow) we reflected on just how insanely talented you have to be just to do a pub quiz let alone actually winning X-Factor. Gary is back in the Hobbit in two weeks time. Do some revision and then seriously you should pop down. You really should. Trust me your not having enough fun.
Speaking of pub based talent, did I mention the Stile Pub quiz is back on? No? I wonder how I let that one go.
* embarrassing photos to follow when the student has got round to putting them on facebook
** often subject to amount of alcohol consumed.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
New Year Drinks
To the Vice Chancellors for a drink.
New Year drinks and the various heads of department assemble in the VCs office for a complimentary glass. As I am (together with my colleagues) the head of the chaplaincy department I was invited (that makes a change doesn't it?) Unlike in previous years the heads of department were encouraged to bring some members of staff along. I didn't because I don't actually have anyone in my department, really.
I saw the Esquire Bedall,
"Did you enjoy the dinner?" she asked.
"I enjoyed the food." I replied.
I notice that, in spite of the fact the drinks were free, that most of the staff just had the one.
A couple of technicians from Computers were having quite a few drinks. I asked them if they knew the Dave.
"They know 'im down in chaplaincy, do they?" He asked.
"Oh yes." I said.
"I hear tell they be calling him the Quizmaster, down in them there parts." he said with a far away look in his eyes.
"Yaaaaar, I be hearing that too, I be." his companion noted.
"Aaar." I said "No one be calling 'im the quizmaster, because that be was he be, it be. It not be 'is name. Oh no."
"Yaaar!" his companion rejoined.
At which point I realised, I'd probably had too much wine myself.
New Year drinks and the various heads of department assemble in the VCs office for a complimentary glass. As I am (together with my colleagues) the head of the chaplaincy department I was invited (that makes a change doesn't it?) Unlike in previous years the heads of department were encouraged to bring some members of staff along. I didn't because I don't actually have anyone in my department, really.
I saw the Esquire Bedall,
"Did you enjoy the dinner?" she asked.
"I enjoyed the food." I replied.
I notice that, in spite of the fact the drinks were free, that most of the staff just had the one.
A couple of technicians from Computers were having quite a few drinks. I asked them if they knew the Dave.
"They know 'im down in chaplaincy, do they?" He asked.
"Oh yes." I said.
"I hear tell they be calling him the Quizmaster, down in them there parts." he said with a far away look in his eyes.
"Yaaaaar, I be hearing that too, I be." his companion noted.
"Aaar." I said "No one be calling 'im the quizmaster, because that be was he be, it be. It not be 'is name. Oh no."
"Yaaar!" his companion rejoined.
At which point I realised, I'd probably had too much wine myself.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The Saturdays
Having a day off I decided to emerge from the covers at about 11am. I flicked on the TV to be confronted by Saturday morning Television which has now been relegated to BBC2. Not something that I generally follow as it tends to appeal to a younger clientele than my day job.
Honestly....WHERE IS OUR SENSE OF HISTORY PEOPLE?
And where is Noel Edmonds when you need him? Put them chuffing boxes down and do what society expects of you, man!
The presenter was asking the audience what the rubbishest (sic) CDs they had got for Christmas were.
One girl stuck up her hand and said "The Saturdays". Over the other side of the studio there was dismay, as apparently, over there, The Saturdays were considered the best thing since Pokemon.
"Whoa!" said the presenter "We gotta problem here, it's all gonna kick off in the studio."
I was appalled, valued reader, utterly appalled. I considered writing the the BBC immediately. The presenter was clearly out of his depth and completely inept. When faced with someone who hated the Saturdays and yet owned their CD and someone else who loved the band, he could only resort to calming the situation down and not actually solve the problem.
A problem, which clearly Saturday morning television itself has solved over 3 decades ago.
Honestly....WHERE IS OUR SENSE OF HISTORY PEOPLE?
And where is Noel Edmonds when you need him? Put them chuffing boxes down and do what society expects of you, man!
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Remembering 2001
American elections are complex but what many people do not know is that they do not end until the beginning of January.
In November the people vote. Then once they have had their say, and recounts and disputes have been settled in December the Electoral College meets in each of the states to cast their vote. These are individuals chosen to cast a vote for the winning candidate. Depending on how populous a state is it will have more or less electors.
Finally when the congress opens in January there is a joint session of both Senate and House to count these votes, presided over by the Vice President.
This is normally a formality. But on one occasion on Saturday January 6th 2001 there was actually an attempt by members of the Black Caucus to halt the process and to cause a vote in congress or a debate on the disputed result in Florida that handed the election to George W. Bush. In each case for the motion to stand in needed at least one senator to sign on to it. None Had signed on.
Over the course of the counting there were several attempts by Democrats, many of them from the state of Florida, to halt the process. They argued passionately that votes were not being counted in Florida, that most of these votes were from predominately black areas that it was black people who were being disenfranchised.
Each time they objected Al Gore as chair of the session ruled them out of order. Some of those objectors pleaded with Vice President Gore not to let the Florida vote stand, some even addressed him as Mr President. Half way through Representative Jesse L. Jackson, Jr. of Illinois asked for a final time if just one Senator could be found to sign these motions in the middle of the debate could they stand. This was answered in the affirmative but no senator came forward. So with that the the Objectors all walked out in protest, the count continued and George W. Bush was declared the winner.
The members of the Black Caucus naturally felt they had failed.
Today Congress met again, today they counted the votes once more, and Dick Cheney declared the winner.
Eventually it seems wrongs will be righted.
In November the people vote. Then once they have had their say, and recounts and disputes have been settled in December the Electoral College meets in each of the states to cast their vote. These are individuals chosen to cast a vote for the winning candidate. Depending on how populous a state is it will have more or less electors.
Finally when the congress opens in January there is a joint session of both Senate and House to count these votes, presided over by the Vice President.
This is normally a formality. But on one occasion on Saturday January 6th 2001 there was actually an attempt by members of the Black Caucus to halt the process and to cause a vote in congress or a debate on the disputed result in Florida that handed the election to George W. Bush. In each case for the motion to stand in needed at least one senator to sign on to it. None Had signed on.
Over the course of the counting there were several attempts by Democrats, many of them from the state of Florida, to halt the process. They argued passionately that votes were not being counted in Florida, that most of these votes were from predominately black areas that it was black people who were being disenfranchised.
Each time they objected Al Gore as chair of the session ruled them out of order. Some of those objectors pleaded with Vice President Gore not to let the Florida vote stand, some even addressed him as Mr President. Half way through Representative Jesse L. Jackson, Jr. of Illinois asked for a final time if just one Senator could be found to sign these motions in the middle of the debate could they stand. This was answered in the affirmative but no senator came forward. So with that the the Objectors all walked out in protest, the count continued and George W. Bush was declared the winner.
The members of the Black Caucus naturally felt they had failed.
Today Congress met again, today they counted the votes once more, and Dick Cheney declared the winner.
Eventually it seems wrongs will be righted.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Socking it to them
Social experiments sometimes have unexpected results.
Like trying to change your name in the real world as opposed to in cyberspace.
Observe Exhibit 'A'.
Clearly I have reached the age when you get nothing for Christmas except socks. This seems to fit neatly between gadgets and slippers. Slippers in the next stage.
I'm also going to suggest that there is a two part jumper stage which seems to happen before and after gadgets.
I probably needed socks. It's probably time to throw my old socks away. I can do that now I have lots of new socks....but then what do I do when I don't want to wear yellow socks????
Like trying to change your name in the real world as opposed to in cyberspace.
Observe Exhibit 'A'.
Clearly I have reached the age when you get nothing for Christmas except socks. This seems to fit neatly between gadgets and slippers. Slippers in the next stage.
I'm also going to suggest that there is a two part jumper stage which seems to happen before and after gadgets.
I probably needed socks. It's probably time to throw my old socks away. I can do that now I have lots of new socks....but then what do I do when I don't want to wear yellow socks????
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Happy New Year
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnggg
Dum Dum Dum Di Dum Dum Dum Di Dum Dum Dum Di Dum
Da Di (Dum (Dum Dum Dum)
Di Da Dum (Dum Dum Dum)
Da Dum (Dum Dum Dum)
WELCOME TO 2009
(Dum Dum Dum Di Dum)
YOUR MISSION - SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO EXCEPT IT
(Dum Dum Dum Di Dum)
IS TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS YEAR
(Dum Dum Dum Di Dum)
WITHOUT LOOSING YOUR JOB, YOUR HOUSE OR YOUR MARBELS
(Dum Dum Dum Di Dum)
THE GOVERNMENT INTENDS TO GIVE YOU EVERY ASSISTENCE
(Dum Dum Dum Di Dum)
SO THAT MEANS, FOR THIS MISSION, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN
(Dum Dum Dum Di Dum)
GOOD LUCK AGENT, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT
DA DA DA DAA DAA
DA DA DA DAA DAA
THIS MESSAGE WILL SELF DISTRUCT IN 5 SECONDS
SERIOUSLY IT WILL
LOOK CLOSE THAT SODDING TAB YOU MUPPETT
DA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Dum Dum Dum Di Dum Dum Dum Di Dum Dum Dum Di Dum
Da Di (Dum (Dum Dum Dum)
Di Da Dum (Dum Dum Dum)
Da Dum (Dum Dum Dum)
WELCOME TO 2009
(Dum Dum Dum Di Dum)
YOUR MISSION - SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO EXCEPT IT
(Dum Dum Dum Di Dum)
IS TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS YEAR
(Dum Dum Dum Di Dum)
WITHOUT LOOSING YOUR JOB, YOUR HOUSE OR YOUR MARBELS
(Dum Dum Dum Di Dum)
THE GOVERNMENT INTENDS TO GIVE YOU EVERY ASSISTENCE
(Dum Dum Dum Di Dum)
SO THAT MEANS, FOR THIS MISSION, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN
(Dum Dum Dum Di Dum)
GOOD LUCK AGENT, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT
DA DA DA DAA DAA
DA DA DA DAA DAA
THIS MESSAGE WILL SELF DISTRUCT IN 5 SECONDS
SERIOUSLY IT WILL
LOOK CLOSE THAT SODDING TAB YOU MUPPETT
DA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
