Glug, glug, glug

Time, I think to call a halt to the academic year 2008-2009.

And drink those beers I've been saving in my office.

Boom

The President of Cathsoc came into my office.

"Wow...what a lot of condoms and lube you have!" he says.
"Yes" I reply "I'm homosexually aware!"

"What are you going to do with all that lot?" he asks.

And to be honest, it's a very good question. What indeed. What does one do with that many condoms and an ocean of lube? The presence of the president of cathsoc inspired me however.

"You know" I told him "there are many many things you can do with condoms that are entirely in line with Vatican doctrine. It's not true that you can't be a catholic and play around with condoms... you just can't use them to prevent unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease."

Warming to my subject I pointed out we could fill them with water, and throw them at each other, we could stretch them over a phone box. We could...and at that point someone overheard and suggested we could try to heat them up and see what that would do.

"In what?" I asked.
"In the microwave that smells of poo." it was suggested.

We opened the shed door, and found the offending microwave. The shed was down the garden, which was a good thing as it absolutely heaved of crap.

A few minutes later and the microwave was set up in the garden. We opened the first condom. Mint flavoured. A moment of morbid curiosity engulfed me....and yes they really do taste of mint....and latex...I've always wondered and now I wish I didn't know. The condom was filled with water and then cooked for 20 minutes. It came out all squishy and hot. The microwave survived. That was not enough for us. So we tried various other things. Candles. Pretty, but a bit smokey. We put three candles under a glass and made a miniature sun. We put soap in there and made....well, expanded soap.



But the real joy was lube. We discovered something wonderful, if you put a packet of lube in a microwave then the foil produces massive amounts of sparks. Then as it gradually burns through the lube itself ignites. A brilliant flame spurts from the corner of the packet. Truly the most beautiful thing ever.







By the end of the day all the condoms were gone. As was all the lube. The Pope might even have approved. After all they were all destroyed.







Sadly, the microwave survived.

Magnets

The religious word magnets sat on top of the microwave not really doing anything for a good long time. I don't know when they arrived, sometime before I did. They were religious, obviously because someone had thoughtfully chosen them for the chaplaincy.

I used to see them everyday, back in 2005 when I first came here. I would pass them on the way to make myself comes heavilya cup of tea, in the silent kitchen, in the silent empty chaplaincy. Some days back then I got bored. And then one day, inexplicably they spoke to me. Not audibly but in a whisper...they said "Come on you can use us for smut!"

Oh, it was so infantile, but actually the fact that they were the religious word magnets made it all the more of a challenge. So I began combining them into smut. Being religious word magnets, everything had to be implied.

"redemption upon the joyous mountain comes heavily" that sort of thing.

Eventually other people in chaplaincy joined me and we did this together. Then we noticed something...every time we made a sentence with a generous helping of innuendo all of a sudden those magnets would disappear. Then it became a game. Not only was the original skill needed but with every round it got harder.

Eventually we were down to about half the total amount of words when someone spotted that you could take the 'ly' magnet and add it to 'will' and then you could add that to 'Jesus' and well there was no more innuendo. That day all the magnets disappeared.

Eventually we found them. So we've been playing with a bit more subtlety since then.

Perhaps I should patent this. It's a game of skill, verbosity and imagination, all you need to play it is a magnetic surface, magnets and someone who is deeply uncomfortable around smut.

Let it go

I'm not sure why, but I seem to have spent quite a lot of time talking to people recently about calling. Not just about calling in the general sense but in the rather specific sense of becoming a vicar.

Most of this year I have spoken to person after person about this one and our local recruitment person (I don't know what they call her...in other places they opt for the wonderfully Orwellian Diocesan Director of Ordinands) has come down to chaplaincy to chat to about 7 or 8 students.

I've also been speaking to other people about this one not just students. Why God would choose to bring would-be-vicars into contact with probably one of the most cynical, disillusioned, not really kosher, wanna-be-doucee priests in the church of England beats me, but he seems to be bringing them in my direction and generally I do try to trust that he knows what he is doing.

The Church of England has just launched a new website to attract young people into doing what I do ably not doing what I do (well probably not doing what I do...probably doing what I should be doing. Have a look and tell me what you think.

A student drew my attention to this prayer from the site:

I abandon myself into your hands.
Do with me whatever you will.
Whatever you may do I thank you.
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me and all your
creatures.
I wish no more than this, O Lord.
Into your hands I commend my soul.
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart.
For I love you Lord and so need to give myself,
surrender myself into your hands without
reserve and with boundless confidence
for you are my Father.
Amen

And it made me think. Ever since all this financial crisis happened, in fact probably before that we have collectively and individual striven and striven. To be richer and to own more stuff and to keep up with all those people down our road who have more stuff than us.

And yet it seems to me that one of the things that is now bringing us out of this recession is, almost a giving up. We have stopped striving, we are learning to accept where we are and that we may be less well off for a little while and actually I think that it's helping.

Conversly people are still desperatly striving to get the best price for their house and as a result the market is going up and down like a yo-yo, and it wont stabablise till people just accept that there are going to perhaps loose a bit of money because actually there house is probably overpriced. Or they can just live in it and not worry about how much it's worth.

I have often been drawn to this sort of prayer, to put myself into the hands of a loving God and father who says...'Rest and let go'. It is a way of thinking much beloved of a certain melaconly Dane who has greatly inspired me.

It is so easy to write about and yet so difficult to do....but of course you cannot strive to solve these problems....you have to pray and then just to be...

Having given all to God who knows what best to do with it all.

What is that smell?

The new Microwave in chaplaincy.

We used to have one. It worked quite well. It had an electronic timer and beeped when it had finished cooking. It had a rotating plate inside which ensured your chosen microwavable product was evenly warmed. In fact it did everything one could reasonably expect from a microwave.

And it smelt, in fact no, it did not just smell, it absolutely chuffing heaved of ecrement.

That's right; excrement. It smelt of poo. Lots of poo.

We tried cleaning it. Bleaching it, shoving it outside for a day, but no matter what it still whiffed of bottom produce. And made everything that you put in it, smell the same.

It cooked, it reheated, it defrosted all perfectly, but it also transformed your hot steaming dinner into a hot steaming turd. Hissing ominously at the centre of your plate. For a long time the Microwave was only used by people either with serous head colds or on a diet. Eventually when the smell pervaded the whole chaplaincy the thing had to go. Let's just say I got bored of people coming to see me in a religious crisis being strangely distracted by the smell of someone having taken a dump in the kitchen (and then come back a day later to do another one).

So I unpacked the new microwave and put it in place, abut before plugging it in or switching it on, my absolute top priority was moving the religious 'make a sentence' word magnets. Why, you may ask. Well it's all part of my favourite chaplaincy game. But more of that later.

Hen Party

Covering the interregnum I found myself at a little church just up the road from my house.

A daughter church of a daughter church. The congregation made up of 15 elderly ladies and the husband of the organist.

He turns to me conspiratorially in the vestry.

"It's like being in a hen coop!" he says with a smile, adding:

"With just two cocks!"

I wasn't really sure what the response to that one was supposed to be, but "Yes, Forward in Faith think that's my most important attribute" and "You're not the first to say that about me" were two I rejected.

Free Time

I was daydreaming the other day. I fiound myself thinking about when I was a student.

We're almost 15 years since I was a fresher. I found myself daydreaming about what I would do if I could go back there and live the whole experience again.

I might well have popped into the student union office and chatted the the events manager a bit, his name was Ricky, and he had a French sounding surname, Gervaise I think it was. I might have actually asked out that cute blond on my course too. You know the one that, when we were at our graduation ceremony, admitted that she used to fancy me in the first year (by then of course she was engaged to someone else! Curse you fate!).

But mostly, of course I would have probably done more work. After all there was no facebook, or youtube, actually there was no internet really- that is to say the only way to access it was to go into college and use one of the network terminals, and even then that was mostly just to check e-mails. There weren't really any web pages.

Hang on second....what did I used to do? How did I manage to spend 3 years procrastinating with no internet?

I have no idea.

Is there anyone out there over the age of 30 who can remember what we used to do with our time?

You are amazing God

"From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea" we sang "Creation's revealing Your majesty" we went on.

"All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God"

Yeah ok, it's a bit sycophantic but basically if you love Jesus it never hurts to tell him that...but wait:

"Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go"

Whoa there! Are you claiming sentience and decision making capacities to lightening? Surely not! I could be wrong but I think lightening is just a bunch of energy it doesn't have ears, it really doesn't listen and it doesn't take orders.

"Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow"

Hang on what storehouses? Is there some gigantic freezer somewhere that God uses to keep snow in during the summer? Does he use it to keep his ice-pops cool?

"Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light"

fair enough, it's quite conventional to claim God thought up the whole universe thing.

"Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night"

Hang on a second! It's not concealed....it's still giving light to other side of the planet.

I like singing modern worship songs, but I do resent having to commit such a gigantic and blatant act of mauvaise foi on a Sunday morning.