Number 2

So I return from holiday...to find the house just as I left it. Not only was it just as I left it, but, I congratulated myself on having saved the earth while I was away, having switched off every electrical item in the house except the freezer.

I had been away for a month and not a single thing was left on standby. Yesiree I was a veritable eco warrior, as I told myself while I went round opening doors. Hang on what was that smell? Faintly stale? Hmmmm probably nothing.

As I opened the kitchen door it hit me in the face. Together with the pool of discoloured liquid in front of the freezer. Hang on, surely not! How could the freezer be off, I didn't switch it off. I switched off the microwave, the kettle and the toaster. I switched off the dishwasher and the washing machine but not the freezer.

Oh hang on the freezer seems to share a extension lead with the washing machine.

Bugger.

I gently opened the fridge to find a sight not unlike an alien landscape. A hybrid substance of what was once raw meet and sausage now intermingled with ready meal, fish, ice cream, soup and waffle.

I shut the door.

There was a notable pause.

I opened it once more. After several minutes I manged to control my gag reflex. Then, slowly, I emptied the freezer. The congealed, hairy, sweaty concoction oozed between my fingers as I eased it from the shelves. Then I removed the shelves. Then I washed and disinfected them. Then I washed and disinfected the freezer. Then I washed and disinfected the floor.

Then I opened all the windows in the house and went for a walk. I returned after a time. The house was un-burgled and no one had contacted the police to report a concealed body.

The hall smelt ok. The kitchen smelt ok. The freezer smelt like someone had thrown up in it.

I sprayed it with air freshener. I sprayed it with deodorant. No change. I desperation I phoned a female friend who suggested slicing a lemon in half and leaving it in the freezer overnight. It worked! The following morning it was like someone had eaten a lemon, and then a curry, and then thrown up in my freezer.

Still the freezer now goes perfectly with the chaplaincy microwave that stinks of crap. All I need now is a washing machine that someone has pissed in and I have a full set. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and if there is a road to hell it definitely smells like my freezer.

Whoops!

(From the BBC News Website)

It seems Microsoft were so busy editing out the black guy in this photo they completely forgot to do his Mac.

The difference between thinking and theology

"You see" explained the evangelist "since the dawn of time man has tried to bridge the chasm that exists between him and God. That is what every religion tries to do, they try to make a way to God by being more religious. It doesn't matter what religion you think of, Islam, Hinduism, Judaism, Buddhism, all of them try to do it, and none of them work because all religions are false. It doesn't matter what religion you're talking about none of them are true...but Jesus..."

Cumbria by the toilets

Cumbria

Hopes and Fears

I read the following in a newspaper last week.

"Fears are growing that a third wet summer in a row will permanently affect the British tourist industry."

As someone currently on holiday in Britain, I was struck by this. How does the author know about these fears? How are they being measured? Has he been to the pub? Stood outside his local Tescos with a clipboard? - Excuse me madam may I have a moment of your time????

Or has he asked the Government Department responsible for fear? Is that part of Lord Mandelson's brief by chance?

Or could it be that there are professional phobiologists out there?

"Well sir, the fear of loosing one's job or dying of swine flu are holding fairly stable currently but the fear of a wet summer irrevocably damaging the British tourist industry is off the scale this week. On the bright side the fear of actually meeting Kerry Katona has dropped to almost nothing."

Or is this journalist just using 'fears are growing' as a shorthand for 'I reckon people think'?