Dark Side of the Moon Chaplaincy

Don't put your head on my shoulder, sink me in a river of tears

2011-11-02T17:03:00.003Z

"'I told you so' is not much of an economic policy" George Osborne famously said.

At the time he was referring to the £7bn loan to the Irish Republic which was part of their bailout from the IMF and the Eurozone. He was asked why he was helping Ireland to stay in the Euro when he, in fact, did not even believe in the Euro. That was his reply.

But 'I told you so' in increasingly the line that this government and particularly its Tory MPs give out. As David Cameron recently pointed out,

"And there's something else we've got to stick to. Because we're not in the Euro, we can lay these foundations ourselves: on our own terms; in our own way. So let me say this: as long as I'm Prime Minister, we will never join the Euro."

It is easy to be wise after the fact and plenty of Tories are doing just that, having been branded as petty xenophobes and little englanders in the last decade they now bask in the warm glow of vindication. I am reminded of an episode of Question Time in which a ill informed member of the public stupidly repeated the contents of the Daily Mail as if it were his own well thought out informed position.

"The real crime was that a European Political Elite tired to force countries as divergent as Greece and Portugal in with Germany and France, I mean who thought that was a good idea" while John Redwood nodded approvingly.

Leaving aside the fact that many PhD qualified economists thought this was a good idea David Mitchell simply replied "I probably thought that was a good idea, to be honest" adding that he thought that due to sods law the fact that we were staying out of the Euro would mean it would turn out to be a good thing. He then called for all these decisions to be made with hindsight.

In life we often have to learn from our mistakes. Some people can work out you shouldn't sleep with your colleagues after a drunken office Christmas party, but some people have to live with the consequences of their actions before they make better decisions. I am one of those people. Likewise sometimes we have to do these sorts of things collectively.

When the Euro was formed all sorts of questions were left unanswered. They are now being asked. To state the blindingly obvious the answers and remedies will either work or not. If the Euro collapses we will learn not to do something like that again. However as it stands the Euro is being stress tested almost into oblivion and if it survives it is unlikely ever to face this much of a disaster ever again. If that happens, in 20 years, it will look like a very good idea indeed.

Only time will tell.

'I told you so' is not much of an economic policy. It is also not much of a answer to any big question. It's not much use when deciding what sort of community, society, country and continent we want when all this has gone away, which ultimately it will, as that is the way time works.

'I told you so' shakes a fist at a future that does not care and will not listen, for the future absolutely will know.

Get the Batmobile, Robin, we're going to church

2011-03-15T21:37:00.003Z

So....church.

Yes I reminded myself I was a Christian and what do Christians do? They go to church*.

Having been kicked out of the big student Church in Southampton and asked not to go again, I decided it was probably time to move on. That and the fact I now lived 150 miles away. Where to go? Google maps obviously. Except that I didn't have an internet connection in Loughborough.

I say no internet connection, and I'm not being exactly truthful in that I had an intenet connection. My house was on a university campus and the university had helpfully plumbed in the internet. JANET flowed across campus and direct into my bedroom like all the undergraduates. But unlike the undergraduates this was no an excuse to spend an awful lot of time on the iplayer** because I didn't work there yet, so I couldn't get it switched on. In fact the phone and internet was would not be on for over a month and a half, after I moved to Loughborough. Now I don't know if, like me, you've ever lived on a empty University campus in August with no phone or internet, but if you have, you've probably considered taking up religion after the first week or so.

Oh wait a minute I have a mobile! Completely forgot that....hmmmm 53 missed calls. That'll teach me to pack it in a box! But wait it's intenet capable.

Now I hadn't used this facility before (I bought my phone because it was yellow, remember) but I found I could access google maps from it. It just took bloody ages. A couple of clicks and I found an Anglican Church near me. Sort of half way to town. About 10 minutes from the front door.

I set off by car. Got lost. Found the road again. Drove down it looking for a Church. Saw the Church just after I had passed the car park and then got lost trying to find my way back. Decided to leave the car at home and walk. Sometimes I don't learn the lessons I should (really I should have read the last blog entry***)

A short while later I was standing in the Church. It turned out to be an Anglican one. In fact more than that it turned out to be my Parish Church.

I walked into the door. I wondered what sort of Church it would be, given that half it's parish was the University Campus. My question was quickly answered by the big sign indicating a warm welcome for students. It was a Victorian Church, but the pews had been replaced by chairs and a lovely thick carpet (in purple) and there was a massive screen at the front and small TV like screens on each pillar. I was late for the service, so the worship band already belting out at full volume the words printed on the big screen. Have I given you enough information yet? Can you work out what sort of a Church Emmanuel Loughborough is yet?

I paused before going in late. There was a board with various photos of the staff on it. There was no student worker. No curate but perhaps more importantly the space marked 'vicar' was empty. This was not a huge shock to me as the Bishop had told me the Church was in an interregnum and the last vicar was now an Archdeacon. Mine in fact. I studied the board there were Church wardens but in the absence of any clergy the place seemed to be being run by a bloke called Jon.

I went in and took my seat at the back and tried blend in. Looking a bit like a member of staff at the University would probably do the trick. I hoped no one would notice me. The bloke doing the prayers prayed for all the people who were visiting the Church for the first time. Then we had the peace. The bloke doing the prayers headed my way

“Hi, I'm Jon.” said Jon
“Hi, I'm Simon” I said to Jon.
“Where are you visiting from?” He asked.
“Um...Loughborough.” I replied.
“You're not visiting?”
“Um not really.”
“Do you go to another Church normally?”
“No...just moved here.”
“Where do you work?”
Oh dear this was not the question to answer if I wanted to remain incognito. I tried obfuscation.
“I work at the University” which was pretty much true.
“What do you do?” he shot at me. I tried misdirection again.
“I take of students.”
“What do you mean? In what department.” Sod it, it was no use.
“Chaplaincy” I said in a low voice.
“Oh!” said Jon enthusiastically. Jon works for the University.

Jon it turns out knows everyone. He had come here to Loughborough as a student and never left, and he was very proud of his university. He asked me where I'd come from. I told him I'd spent the last five years in Southampton, but now of course I was here.

“Exactly!” he said. There was just the hint of competition in his voice. Yep Jon was clearly very proud of Loughborough University.

*Warning this blog may not actually conform to acceptable versions of Christian Theology
**Actually that's not actually what undergraduates are famous for, when they discover that they have an almost unlimited access to the world wide web, on a line that their parents can't monitor.
*** Technically I hadn't actually written the last blog entry, six months ago, when I had these thoughts

One man and his sock

2011-01-12T22:00:00.002Z

The last week of August had a funny feel to it. Not very relaxing, not very hot.

There was much to do, I had decorated the lounge and the one of the bedrooms. I had hung curtains in the others. The carpets had been fitted in a couple of rooms and they were going into some others. I decided to pop into town. I got in the car and eased myself off campus, I had worked out the town centre was down the road and left. Traffic was not too bad, I weaved my way into town. After a short distance I discovered the one way system. I circled round looking for some where to park. There were shops and Churches in Loughborough but no parking space. I slowly become more dizzy, was there one there? Nope. There? Nope. How about...? Nope. Oh wait. There it was. An empty bit of curb. I hurriedly looked around, no one else was about to take it so I threw my car into it. I got out and surveyed my situation. I had managed to get a parking space a few minutes walk away from the town centre.

I looked the other way. Ah. I was at the bottom of my road.

I walked into town.

I walked up and down a few streets. There wasn't much in the way of town centre. Three or four streets. There seemed to be about 18 student bars on each of them. There was a Primarks, a small supermarket a fancy dress shop, book shops, somewhere to hire a Dinner Jacket, it was very studenty. Only it was a ghost town. It wasn't exactly like there was an absence of young people, there were the obligatory townies hanging round in bus shelters and street corners. It just felt odd to be in a place that was so studenty without a single student. It was like waking up the morning after some sort of qualification based apocalypse.

“Prime Minister the mystery virus that only attacks people with A-levels is still marauding, we're going to be forced to re-build society without them”
“My Gosh! How are the stocks of Burberry.”
“They're at Critical, Sir.”
“We can't do this without Burberry.”
“We can if you'll authorise the release of the emergency stocks of big gold chains and dangly earrings.”
“Is it that bad?”
“It is, Sir.”
“OK damn it, will do it.”
“As you wish, Sir. We will need Mr Osborn's key codes.”
“Fine.”
“He's with someone.”
“All right get her to unchain him”

I wondered up to the magnificent Town Hall. Just down from it there was a fountain given by the Arch deacon to celebrate Loughborough getting running water in the 19th century and there at the end of the street was a very naked very fat man wearing only one sock. His huge but crack alerted me to his presence and so I wondered down to have a look. He sat there motionless. Clearly made of brass. Why on earth was there a statue of a nearly naked fat man in Loughborough? Maybe this was Loughborough's answer to Coventry's Lady Godiva, she's there in their town centre. But she has a horse and this chap had a sock. That and a massive bum crack. What did I all mean? I looked at him there his socked foot proudly held aloft. It was not a statue to celebrate naked people. He was wearing a sock. It couldn't be to celebrate socks he needed another one. Maybe it was to celebrate the fact that even really fat people can still get at least one of their own socks on. I wasn't sure. But at least it gave Loughborough something no one else had. That and someone else's sacked chaplain.

I wondered on, there was a cheesecake shop, a chocolate shop, a shop that seemed only to be selling memorabilia for VW camper vans. It seemed that Loughborough had a character all its own in a way large cities often lacked. I liked it. It was a nice place to live.

I wondered home past the art-deco cinema. It only took me about 20 minutes to reach my front door. I passed two churches a couple of halls of residence and 7 student bars on the way.

I opened my front door and passed outside my house. I looked round I could see Chemistry in the distance. I really hoped I would be happy in this place. I wondered what it would be like living here when it was no longer a Ghost town, whether I would make friends here and why all my day dreams seemed to involve George Osborn being chained to something.

I looked up at the blue sky, it was a brilliant sunny day.

I shut my front door and went to go and get my car.

Shepshed

2010-12-10T23:06:00.007Z

The house was all in boxes and drowning in magnolia paint.

There was nothing for it, I had to get out!

It was late August and I had been in the house a few days. I hadn't yet been onto campus, which given that I lived there meant that I had literally been in the house for a few days.

I looked out of the windows. Yep there was more campus to see than I remembered from my view in Southampton. It was definitely closer.

I had another look. From Car Park 5, where I lived, it seemed I had moved onto, what appeared to be, some sort of building site.

Ah yes, it was August the time when every University likes to rip up the tarmac presumably looking for students that don't want to leave. My inner child wanted to explore a building site, but I didn't feel I really belonged. I didn't work there, I didn't have a ID badge so I decided to get off campus and explore the thing that was Loughborough.

I'd never lived up here before so I didn't really know what to expect. I decided to explore by bike.

I found my cycling gear in a box. I put them on. Bright orange, yellow, red, and tighter than a government spending round. Hopefully people would see me coming but not pay too much attention. The families pastor at my old church saw me out cycling once.

“Goodness you look highly visible.” she said, and let's be honest that's never a good thing to say to a man wearing Lycra below the waist.

Before I left Southampton I bought myself a Leicester map, so I grabbed my bike and set off. I weaved my way through campus and left at the gate by Engineering. I found myself on Ashby Road and I headed up it. I passed by various houses and a nice Harvester before noticing the signs all seemed to be pointing to London. As I continued into the third minute of my Bike ride I passed the last house and was now cycling past fields. As this continued I realised I was no longer in Loughborough. Crumbs....how could I have left already? Surely it was not that that small. Not with a population of 17,000 students? But no I was now rapidly approaching a big road sign....leading the the M1. Whoops I was heading for a motorway. Now I seem to remember that there is something in the Highway code about not cycling on motorways. So I thought about turning back, but wondering what the worst that could happen could be I decided to press on. My journey took me up to the slip road and then using the cycle path completely over the M1. Then on, the signs pointing to somewhere called 'Shepshed'. I stopped my bike and got out my map. OK Shepshed was the next place you got to after leaving Loughborough. I decided to continue cycling. It looked like I would need to go up the high street and them head up back to Loughborough down a lane.

I passed a fine bus shelter and now was on into the place itself. 10 minutes after leaving home I was somewhere else entirely. This was a new experience for this seasoned city dweller. I cycled down the main street in Shepshed it was not a large place but based on what I just worked out about Loughborough it could be proportionately huge. I found my way to where I was going, I left Shepshed by the Shepshed Dynomos football ground and headed up the imaginatively named 'Butt Hole Lane'. There I found it. The Leicestershire countryside. My journey took me on and over the M1 again, here I paused. OK so there was one advantage of living here the chance to cycle across nice flat countryside. It was quite pretty too. OK it was not exactly Pandora from Avatar but then that's a place where all the people are Blue and all the fun stuff, riding dragons, talking to god and 'dating' requires hair. That's defiantly not the place for me. Maybe if they were a different colour. Anyway Leicestershire was also in 3D and that's all I've ever looked for in a planet. That and oxygen.

I headed along Butt Hole Lane past farms and the odd tractor and it led quite obviously to the arse end of Loughborough.

I had been going half and hour which was the amount of time it would have taken me to cycle from my old house to the outskirts of Southampton. I cycled on and shortly found myself back at Campus.

At home I reflected on my journey.

Loughborough University was about the same size at it's counterpart in Southampton. Just a little smaller, but it occupied grounds 4 times the size. Loughborough was a very big university in a very small town and that would make for a fascinating dynamic.

And I was fortunate to be right in the middle of it.

That difficult second Album

2010-11-05T15:21:00.005Z

From the moment they unpacked the van I realised it. This was going to be different.

I had committed myself to here.

And I realised Southampton had been a success I had left on a high note...it had been a wall to wall success, anyone could see that, you only had to discount the fact that I'd been fired and it was obvious.

I had been chaplain of one institution and at one institution it had worked. That was going to count as 100% success in anyone's book. Even the people who couldn't count, involving as it did the number one and therefore not requiring the level of counting needed to reach the number two. It was just the people who didn't have books that were a problem here.

If I had just gone off and got a parish things would have been fine. But now....well the only way was down.

I felt nervous.

It's not just Peter who has keys,Paul and Paul do too

2010-10-29T22:25:00.002+01:00

It occurred to me as I journeyed down Forrest Road and into Loughborough, that I probably should have called ahead. I was far from sure how I would get myself and a fairly large removal van onto campus.

Yes I definitely should have told them I was coming. I turned up Fairmount Drive just round the corner from Danny Wallace's old house and there I found the van at the agreed meeting place. Campus was up ahead of us behind some houses. So first thing first I had to go and work out how to get on to campus.

I wondered up the road and down Spinny Hill Drive and there I saw an road entrance, so I wondered through. This was my first real look at campus, the place that was to be home from now on. It being August the place was quiet. I passed an immaculate playing field. The Paddock Soccer field Hmmmm I thought my first view of Loughborough University is a sports field. Somehow that seems appropriate. I wondered round the corner not really sure what to do. I was only sort partially aware of where my new home was, I knew it was in something called car park 5 but apart from that I was literally lost. As I wondered on I saw a sign. It was for car park 4. Perhaps this was near. Although as I walked the lack of a key was worrying me. It was Friday so someone should be at work, I suppose I need someone who does buildings, I reasoned. Then I saw it. A big sign indicating that I was next to 'The Facilities Management Workshop and Store' I guessed these were the people who were the equivalent of the Estates Department at Southampton University.

As I walked around the side of the building I noticed a small door marked 'Maintenance Department and Helpdesk'. Helpdesk! I rejoiced. Surely these were people who would help me, surely they were the professionals when it came to this sort of thing. I knew two things about them they had a desk and they helped and that was good enough for me. I strode through the door and came into a courtyard. Helpfully there was another sign pointing me to the helpdesk. I walked through another door and into a small office. Bloody hell, there was not just one desk there but four, they really were professionals! Behind each desk was a woman. I addressed myself to the nearest.

“Hi I'm the new....your...um chaplain and I'm going to be living in the house...er....for chaplains and er...I have this van and well I sort of need a key and....er....well.”

She was clearly impressed with how clear and precise I was being. She pointed me to the keyroom. Oh, so there was a key room. Clearly this would be my eventual destination. That and Nirvana. I was directed across the yard which was full of large equipment. There was every conceivable type of building vehicle from earth movers to tractors. Bob the Builder would have been almost sexually aroused. Scoop and Muck would have been. The equivalent facility at Southampton was tiny in comparison, clearly I had just arrived on the biggest campus in the UK. I walked cautiously across what turned out to be a massive facility. I was a mortal let loose in the land of the Higher Education facility gods. And in one corner I found what looked like a small conservatory. It was a small conservatory and it bore the legend 'Key Room'.

I pushed open the door and stepped inside. It was empty and the shutters were down.

I waited. Then I got bored. So I knocked. After all I had a large van waiting. The shutter suddenly shot up.
“Hello” said one of the two men behind it.
“Hi I need some keys.”
“Well we've got key's to the whole University here. What do you need keys for.”
“Well I'm the new chaplain.”
“Ah!” he says clearly interested “What's your name?”
“Yel- Simon.” I replied
“Isn't there another Simon down there in chaplaincy?” he asked
“Yes that's right. One of the others is called that.”
“Oh that's going to be complicated, two Simon's working the same department.”
“What's your name?” I say, moving the conversation on.
“Paul.”
“And you.” I asked the other
“Paul.”

'My goodness two men in conservatory with the same name and all the keys to the entire university, what kind of a crazy place is this?' I wondered almost out loud.

“Do you have any idea how I can get the keys to my house issued.” I asked
“Well we do keys for contractors. I suppose you should ask the person dealing with your house.”
“He's on holiday”
“What about his boss?”
“Dunno” This was clearly a problem.
“Have you got any identification?” he suggested
“A driving licence in the name of Rev Simon Stevens – as in a minister of religion?” I asked hopefully.
“You better take a copy of that Paul.” says Paul.
Which he does and then returns and hands me a massive bunch of keys.
“Um which one is the front door.”
“Ah easy” says Paul, and produces a little plan of my house on which is drawn all the locks and next to each eas a four digit number. Wow, they certainly were organised I looked down at my keys on each one was a four digit number. I just needed to work out which was the front door then. I looked back to the diagram. There were three locks on the front door. OK so I needed to remember three numbers then. Right so they were security conscious. So I asked:

“Is there an alarm?”
“Yep” says Paul
“What's the code?”
“It's off!” says the other Paul.
“Right well thanks Paul...and Paul. I better be going. I'll pop back for a coffee sometime.”
“Ah well he's catholic and I'm an atheist.” says Paul.
“Fair enough”
I headed to the door. I paused.
“Do you happen to know exactly where car park 5 is?”

Moving Home

2010-09-30T17:11:00.017+01:00

It would take me about 3 and a half hours to do the journey, the only problem was that although I had somewhere to live I wouldn't have any furniture till the next day. I toyed with taking a camp bed and a sleeping bag, but quickly decided not to. I would enjoy living there more if I had somewhere to sit.

Option 2 was to stay in Southampton. That would mean doing the whole trip in one day, much more sensible to break the journey. So a cursory look around my friends was needed. How far north did they live. Ah ha...I noted I did indeed have northerly friends. I surveyed them. Gareth in St Andrews. Since staying with him would mean driving a long way past the new place, and then coming back it wasn't really practical. Matthew in Castleford. Same thing smaller distance. There was no doubt about it I was a Southerner and most of my friends were in the South. So I looked again, apart from Matthew and Gareth how far North did they go?

Milton Keynes.

So I decided to overnight there.

The traffic was no too bad even though it was rush hour as I made my way on to the M3. I arrived 2 hours later for a late tea, my overfull car would spend the night on the drive.

The next day I set off at 11am. Found my way to the M1 and began to make my way further north than usual.

Half way up I passed something called Market Harbour and knew I had arrived in my new Diocese. I skirted my way round Leicester passed something called the National Forest and I began to count the junctions as we got into the late teens and twenties. Finally I saw junction 22 and there I headed up into the the most Northerly town in Leicestershire.

A small market town they called Loughborough and there I was to make my new home, and there I found my new University.

Moving on up

2010-09-29T16:46:00.014+01:00

The trouble with being given a month to do things is that, invariably, you will do it all in the last two days. I was supposed to sort out all those bits of paper in my office and throw away the contents of my out of date files. I was supposed to organise the move and work out what was needed at the other end. Mostly though what I did was actually step back and live in the house.

Then one day the doorbell rang and three young men stood there. I had already taken down most of the curtains and many there had already been many trips to the tip and I'd even discovered a computer recycler. The bloke in charge asked me to them on a tour. I explained that room a was going to go to room b. Room b to room c and d and room e to a and f to g and all that sort of stuff.

“It's a large house” said one of the men.
“It's a vicarage” I replied.
“My Dad's a vicar” he told me.

So the rest of the day was taken up with me disassembling furniture and watching other people work. Mostly I made the tea. And sat and thought I now had space, there was nothing else to do.

When I had resigned I had asked the Bishop of Winchester to allow me not to work my notice but rather to leave as soon as possible. Not surprisingly he had agreed. He asked me to try to do all I could to make freshers week in Southampton went as smoothly as possible. I was told by the students and the other chaplain that I was going to have not one but two successors both of whom were going to be unpaid. Of course when I had asked the Area Dean about this he refused to be drawn. I was going to be kept in the dark until the end. I didn't mind, we talked about other things and then he shook my hand and wished me well and left.

It was going to take three days to move after the first day the men left at 4 o' clock and I had a house full of boxes. I had a cooker and a tele so I made dinner in one and ate it in front of the other. The house now seemed soulless. 24 was very much my home, it was full of memories for me. The life I had led off campus. Friends and family.

The second day was gloriously sunny. I watched the guys load all my possessions into their lorry. It took till lunchtime and they nearly got it all in. They finished about 2pm. The driver was going to take the stuff back to the depo overnight and would meet me outside my new house the following afternoon. And with a shake of my hand they all bundled into the cab and flinging aside the branches of one of the garden trees the contents of my house zoomed off down the road.

Leaving me with a suitcase on the bedroom floor, a kettle, some tea bags, milk powder and a cup. I paused to make myself a cupper in my empty house. 5 years almost to the day that I had moved in.

I visited the University campus one last time. I went for a walk on Southampton Common. I got out my yellophone and updated my status on facebook. 'Going' I wrote. I'd liked Southampton. I was less happy in the Deanery. My only real dealings with the deanery were a constant stream of requests, to cover vicars who wanted a holiday. The year long silence from colleagues in the deanery, following my redundancy, had been near deafening.

I dropped round at the Catholic Chaplain's house and put my keys through the letter box. I entered the word “Going” once more into my status. As instructed I had left a key with a neighbour, and so I put my set in the kitchen drawer. They were going to pop round the next day to get the house ready to rent out. It was a strange feeling not having any keys in my pocket. I was going to have to start again somewhere else. I'm not the world's best Christian* but I do try to live in a way that is an offering to God. There was always going to be an element of giving up in that

I had one final look round. I was a terrible decorator, really.

I put my suitcase and the rest in the boot. Closed the door and got in my car.

I entered the word 'Gone' into my facebook status, started my engine and headed north.

*see last blog entry for details

Damn you Gandalf

2010-09-27T22:45:00.003+01:00

It was a early evening and I approached the pub with Tamsin. Tamsin was my chauffeur for the evening. She promised to get me home no matter what. I was sure I wouldn't need that. The first thing I saw was Toddy in a fine yellow and green waste coat and Louisa. She was one of Tom's friends from sixth form who had since gone on to study at Loughborough University. I hugged Toddy it was good to see him. Inside it seemed like the whole pub was decked out in yellow. There were yellow balloons everywhere and everyone was wearing yellow. It was like I had come home and my own people were waiting for me. It was a good turn out given the time of year, and people had come back in August just to be there. Everyone was a story. Everyone was someone I had met along the road and I had received as much from them as I had given. I was so very grateful. I spent the evening having a few drinks and talking to everyone.

And there it is best to leave it. With the sun slowly sinking below the horizon. A happy picture of me surrounded by my students one last time. So you, gentle reader should probably stop here, close your browser and go away with the happy thought and warm feelings that picture engenders and not read any more....

...because what happened next is that Dan asked me if I'd 'done the fellowship'. Which, for those of you who do not know, is 5 drinks, all high alcohol cocktails served in 5 pint glasses each with the name of a character from the Lord of the Rings. This is served in Southampton's premier LOTR themed pub 'The Hobbit'. I had lived near the Hobbit for 5 years and been in on countless occasions, I had never, however done the fellowship.

What followed was a journey to the Hobbit. I didn't really want to do the whole Fellowship but someone bought me a Gandalf. Ok I'll just haver that one. It was a nice shade of blue. I really didn't want to do anything embarrassing. I mean I don't like drinking too much. Then all of a sudden there was the red one. Someone must have bought it for me. Oh dear it would be rude not to. I especially liked the yellow one. It was a proper yellow and that's really what I look for in a drink, being canary yellow. How could I not drink the yellow one? Oh dear! I am told I did the Green and the Grey one too. I remember talking and laughing I remember people but not many faces. I remember making friends, and I remember entering a dream like state in which there was no direct relationship between anything.

I remember eating an egg burger. I remember sitting somewhere and I remember someone saying “You like egg burgers”. I'm pretty sure that happened in the opposite order, but not certain. Someone said later it was no so much a farewell party as a stag do before I married my new job. Not that your ex is supposed to organise your stag do.

I woke the next morning with a slight hang over, a realisation that facebook was not my friend and an overwhelming feeling I needed to leave Southampton.

A question in a car park

2010-09-24T17:04:00.002+01:00

“Do you actually want a leaving do” asked Tom.

It was in a car park as we were saying goodbye. Since Tom had left the chaplaincy we had taken to meeting regularly for a bite to eat. Mostly in Tragos (good burgers!). It was now late July and I had announced my resignation so I wasn't really working either. Half of me often wonders about hanging round with people 15 years younger than me, perhaps I should grow up. The other half of me thinks age is not really important anyway. I seem to be able to relate to people younger than me, as long as that's not forced, it doesn't really matter. I was enjoying the chats with Tom. Now neither of us worked there it gave me more of a chance to get to know him. Without work getting in the way. We were just two unemployed blokes soaking up the summer sun in a unhurried way. The fact that I was still getting paid was only adding to my comfort levels.

I considered Tom's question. Whenever a Chaplain at Southampton left post they always had a leaving do in the chaplaincy, at which the great and the good were invited. The longest serving chaplain gives a speech about their nearly departed colleague. This had never really appealed to me. A buffet lunch with the Chief Operating Officer didn't really fit with my ministry quite so well as a student party. Anyway it was now too late for the buffet to happen I had already done my last day at work and I was booking a removal van. It was probably too late to organise anything. Of course whenever you ask Tom to organise something you invariably ask Alex to do the same.

It is not actually possible to organise a student gathering at two weeks notice in August. Which is why Alex was just the person to ask to do it.

The other view

2010-09-22T16:02:00.005+01:00

I placed my cup of tea on my desk and sat down. A cup of tea, a good considering sort of drink. Not like a beer, that's a sort of friendly drink, or a cup of coffee more of a roll-your-sleeves-up drink. No tea is the I'm-sorry-I-haven't-got-a-clue of drinks. Only less comical, really.

I felt comfortable, I was at my other desk, the one in the office my students never saw. In my house. This was a more relaxed office,the carpets were thicker and the décor to my taste. The room was filled with my books and mementos from all the places I'd been. I looked out of the window. It was a lovely sunny day in June. A long way from the snows of January.

No car park just the same view I had had for nearly five years. I'd always lived off campus, in fact the A33 which connected the centre of Southampton with the M3 stood between me and campus. I had space away from work, a good place to make this decision.

In front of me two letters, two job offers. That was an improvement on a few months ago. One letter was from the Bishop of Winchester offering me another year in Southampton. The other from another Bishop offering me a job I hadn't actually applied for. I had read and re-read these two letters and now I knew I had to make a decision, but how does one make a decision like that? It was not just going to affect me, this was one that had ramifications for others too.

There were many reasons not to accept the offer to stay. I would have to start looking for work, and if I found a job I could hardly ask them to wait until next June for me to arrive. In all likelihood I would not finish the year I was about to start. Then there was the fact the Diocese had suggested that in order to reacquaint myself with the 'coalface' that I should take a Church on the East side of Southampton through an interregnum, starting in late September, which was going to leave me very little time to be a chaplain. Oh, and there was the the whole dead-man-walking thing. There were a whole series of meetings happening to discuss the future of chaplaincy, involving the University, the free Church Chaplaincy Council and my Catholic Colleague to which I simply was not invited. Why would they invite me, I was part of the past not part of the future. The day I found out I was staying for a year, I told the RC Chaplain. She knew, apparently they had told her at the meeting the other week. I asked why she didn't tell me. They'd asked her to keep it a secret. Although I would not be named as acting chaplain, clearly I didn't deserve that sort of plutoing , in all but name that was exactly what I would be.

However as I reflected there in my other office, it was obvious none of that actually mattered. If that was what God wanted, then I would, and I should, put up with it. That is when the realisation dawned on me. The answer I had been looking for. When I though about vocation and what I was actually called to do. I came back to the words I had said in synod right at the beginning of the whole thing. I offered to live by faith, and if the Diocese took away my stipend I would still live by faith.

In a time when unemployment was rising, when the government was about to take an axe to the public sector, when many of the staff I worked with in the University were about to be made redundant, I was sitting on a guaranteed job. For 12 months I would draw a salary, coasting along, keeping a chaplaincy ticking over with no real vision for the future, before taking up a parish post. Did that really seem like living by faith? Where was the adventure? Where was the risk?

By contrast the other letter offered talked of a place I knew nothing about. A job I hadn't applied for, in a place I didn't know, a diocese I couldn't even locate on a map. Just somewhere on the M1, and as everyone born on the South Coast knows, the M1 enters the foggiest of all fog north of Watford. A job with no job description just two very exciting words...'Student engagement'.

I had offered to live by faith and it seemed that God had answered.

I switched on the computer, I had two letters to write, and a leap of faith to make.

A purple passage

2010-09-16T17:44:00.002+01:00

I parked my car and got out to stretch my legs. I had been on the road for a good few hours and my back and arms were protesting, a gentle ache circled my shoulders. I looked around me, it was a small city, smaller than Southampton, I had wondered my way through the one way system confused and hesitantly. Here I was in the midst of houses by a large park, a few streets away from my final destination.

I had no idea how the parking would be so I decided to stop here and walk the rest of the way. I left the park behind and headed through the streets, I passed a couple of coffee selling establishments and a second hand book shop. It seemed quite suburban but down at heel. I passed by a Gurdwara, this was more cosmopolitan than I was expecting, in fact a whole lot less salubrious. There ahead of me was the street I was looking for and at the end of it, a large three storied Victorian house. It was not however a palace.It was in an area that once upon a time might have house moderately wealthy industrialists but now the other large houses had been turned into multiple occupancy and even one rest home for the elderly.

Next door the house had been demolished and replaced with a long building with a strange slopping roof. This was the office attached to the large building, and it was here I was heading. I buzzed in and the receptionist greeted me.

"Simon Stevens to see the Bishop of..." I paused of course here he was just the Bishop. "...to see the Bishop."

I was shown through past a door marked 'Chaplain' and into a door marked 'Bishop' and there he was the man I had been journeying all day to see.

"Simon, Simon good to see you." his opening words. He motioned me to a couple of chairs one side of the room he took one himself. I looked around the room. He desk over one side by the window. A couple of honorary doctorates on the wall and a very large map of his diocese. It felt like a very calm office, measured almost. He was wearing a navy blue chunky jumper, his purple shirt peering out at the neck. As we spoke he played with his half rims.

I'd served my whole ministry in Winchester Diocese. It is not often I got to meet other people's Bishops. In fact I had only ever met the Bishop of Liverpool and the last Bishop of Truro. Still I now had one more to add to the list.

We spoke for about 45 minutes. He asked me about my view of chaplaincy. How I understood it. What my priorities were, what was going on in Southampton. Whether I would stay or not. I asked him almost as many questions as he asked me. We talked about the role of Archdeacons and the wider diocesan education policy. He had three full time HE posts in his diocese and all of them were currently vacant. There seemed a lot of room for new ideas in that set up, and each time he spoke, calmly and measured, I became more excited about the situation he was describing.

Finally I rose to my feet. He shook my hand warmly and thanked me for coming.

"Will you pray." I asked him. "for the situation in Southampton, and what will come next."
"Well" he said "This may be an answer to those prayers."

As I got back to my car, I was confused. I had assumed that God wanted me in Southampton. I wanted a miracle. I had stood up in my local Church in Highfield and loudly said "I do not believe in a God who sets budgets. I believe in a God who raises the dead" quite a few cheered but most of the Church did not. When the Area Dean had said "If plan A is not working then God has a plan B" I had resisted. It seemed to be letting the diocese of the hook. It wasn't 'we are going to trash your ministry' but 'God doesn't want your ministry any more' and yet here was a plan B I actually wanted.

I put my confusion aside and started my engine, I had a long journey ahead of me. I would have plenty of time to think. I began to weave my way through the streets again. It would be easier to find my way out, I just needed to follow signs for the M1.

Service from on High

2010-09-10T14:41:00.003+01:00

"So that's the situation" I said "I don't know where we go from here. I just ask you to pray."

"Don't worry, I shall certainly do that." said the Archdeacon.

It was an odd conversation to be having really. I hadn't really spoken to my own Archdeacon about it all, and here I was on the phone to an Archdeacon in a diocese over a hundred miles away.

"When will you have a clearer idea about what's happening?" he asked.

"Well my Diocese was supposed to be getting back to me in January but that was nearly two months ago, so I don't know. They seem to be talking to everyone except me!"

He laughed on the end of the phone.

"Do you have a CV you can send me?" he asked.

"A CV? Um....I don't know. I think I need to update my old one. It's been a while since I was looking for a job. I'll have a look."

"How are you fixed at the moment?"

"Um, well I'm quite busy, but I can always find a space. What did you have in mind?"

"Well" he paused "the Bishop would like meet you..."

Chapter 2: In which our hero tells the story of what really happened.

2010-09-02T16:16:00.004+01:00

It was a cold day, it had been cold for a while. Outside the sky was grey, had I been at the window rather than at my desk I could have seen the freshly fallen snow making the car park look slightly less shit. My assistant was out of the room, I'd told him I wanted some privacy. I needed some privacy.

The man from the Church of England sat in my office. He wore a slightly nervous face, as he listened. I had been a member of the Church of England for over fifteen years, and ordained into it for nearly eight and a half, but you don't often deal with the actually Church of England, mostly you relate to your local Church or your diocese, but I was a chaplain whose diocese had just made him redundant. The Church of England, as it actually exists is based in three different places. Two of them Bishopthorpe Palace, and Lambeth palace also house an Archbishop, but this chap worked in a place called Church House, Westminster. He had come all the way, he said, 'to listen'.

"I'm supposed to have had a meeting with the Bishop in the New Year, and he's supposed to come back with a definite answer by the end of this month." I said.

"I can't get hold of anyone from the Diocese, I've tried several times." he replied.

"Neither can the students, they seem to have taken the phone off the hook in Winchester. To be honest we've probably sacked the person that answers the phone. With a £1.6 million hole in the budget we needed to sack someone, It's just it should have been our accountant. Mind you I expect we have sacked him. By the time this is done Church House, Winchester will just be an answering machine somewhere, with the beep replaced by the sound of a creaking rope."

"The students seem to be making a lot of noise. That's been..." and here he paused searching for the right word"...noticed."

"Noticed bad, or noticed good?"

"Good, it's quite a testament to you."

"Yeah, well they are the reason I'm going to stay. I have to stay, I'm going to fight this no matter what."

"I don't think the search for alternative funding is going well."

"If they want to take away my pay, I'll just stay anyway. I owe them that. I can live by faith. This is where God wants me."

He'd been listening to me rant on like this for over an hour, but he didn't look bored, he wore the look of concern he'd had since I met him off the train.

"You know" he said gently "there are other options."

That was how this new story started. It all seems so long ago now, in the snow and the cold and recession. Almost a lifetime ago from the vote and the fight and the confusion. It's hard to remember it all now. Some of the details have blurred with time. Really, that car park always looked completely shit.

One more step along the Road I go

2010-08-31T22:13:00.003+01:00

It's not actually possible not to have a job in the Church and get paid, so even though I have resigned I am still officially and legally the Anglican Chaplain to the University of Southampton, but all that ends tomorrow.

Tonight I will pray for the students and staff of Southampton and commend them to God and then I will look back no more.

Tomorrow I get up, (I'll probably shower, shave and have breakfast) and then I will take a short two minute walk to meet an Archdeacon who will be surrogate for the Bishop.

Even though I'm a republican I will take an oath of allegiance to the Queen and her heirs AND SUCCESSORS, and then I will take an oath of allegiance to a Bishop in all things lawful and honest and that will bring my ministry at Southampton to an end. I will look forward then, mostly because at that point the Archdeacon will Licence me to my new job....

...and then the work begins.

Change and decay in all around I see

2010-08-17T22:30:00.002+01:00

This is the third time I have moved out of a clergy house.

The first time I moved in was when I was still an ordinand. The Bishop of Chichester let me 'borrow' a Vicarage. The Church was in an interregnum and in return for answering the phone and pointing undertakers to the next vicar along I was allowed to stay there for free.

I asked the Bishop of Horsham what he intended to do with the Church before I left, he looked at me astonished.

"I answer to God for that Church, it is not your concern."

Two months after I had left the Vicarage to get ordained he closed the Church and sold the Vicarage.

I then moved into a much smaller curates house. Despite complaining for 4 years that it wasn't really big enough they left me there, until I finished my curacy. They decided at that point that the house was not suitable and sold it. Of course they said they were going to buy another one for the next curate but there was no curate after me.

So then I came here, the house I looked round on interview day was initially offered to me and then just before I was supposed to move in they decided it was too big for a chaplain and instead would be reserved for the next Bishop. So I moved into 24 Butterfield Road just off campus (you can find it on google street view, sadly I have a blue car not a yellow one) The Bishop told me that they had finalised the housing for the Southampton Chaplain and my successor would absolutely live there.

Here I am moving out of another clergy house and they are going to rent it.

Will they sell it? Well unless they discover a whole bunch of money down the diocesan sofa they aren't going to need it for a stipendary chaplain.

SO three times I have moved out of diocesan property and I have a hundred percent record for being followed by closure. Fortunately this has very little to do with what I actually did in the place....but still it is all very sad.

See you on the other side.

Dzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2010-08-13T22:29:00.003+01:00

So, sorting everything. Today off to the optician and the dentist. Lots of sitting around. So I took a book. I'm currently reading "Creative Suffering" by Paul Tournier. It was recommended me by a Spiritual person I go and see every once in a while.

I walked into the dentists with it tucked under my arm. He motioned me to the chair so I put the book down and took my seat.

"I'll just leave this here" I explained.

His eyes lit up.

"This is a book about suffering?" he asked. "Do you mind if I?"
"No not at all."

He picks it up. He begins reading the back cover. Excitedly out load.

"This is such an important subject." he says and so important to me. "How people deal with pain."
"Ah ha I dan dee dash" I say.
"People need someone to help them in their pain." he says
Dzdzdzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
"Ow"
"Sometime they are alone, but they are not, they have God and he is with them in their pain."
DzDzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzdzdzdzdzzzz
"Ow"
"Does the man who wrote the book have a faith?"
"Jes"
Dzdzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
"Ow"
"I will read this book. I must take down the title."

It seems my dentist is very interested in the concept of pain. He told me while scrapping plaque from my most sensitive teeth. Without a hint of irony.

You couldn't make it up.

P46

2010-08-12T12:44:00.002+01:00

Here is a letter

Containing something I never expected to see.

My July pay slip!

They said the Lord would provide.

FiFdom

2010-08-09T23:10:00.002+01:00

I been paying marginal attention to the whole women Bishops thing. It's not that interesting, to me the fact that we are having this debate in the 21st century is just another reason not to join the Church of England, but I think I have to pass comment on at least one thing.

You see I feel there is a dishonesty and, dare I say it, a certain amount of self deception on the part of Forward in Faith. Forward in Faith are re-writing history.

I'll illustrate this with a few blog posts as evidence.

I came across this first one written by a Catholic University chaplain who used to be a Anglican, he encapsulates it. He notes how he used to be a member of the Church of England synod, the catholic group and that they effectively controlled synod, they saw themselves as gradually working to bring the Church of England into line with Rome and thus secure a return. He focused on making sure curtain changes were made to the liturgy for the ASB in order to make it more like the Missal.

Now we come to the crux of the matter he say while he was working on liturgy the Church of England was slowly drifting in a liberal direction and this has led to the ordination of women the dropping of the historical faith going all soft on the gay issue. Thus FiF are arguing that they have stayed the same and the Church of England has moved. It is now a liberal dying Church that doesn't believe anything, so they have no choice but to abandon the sinking ship and head for the lifeboats and wait for the Roman rescue liner.

Only one problem here; that's absolute bollocks.

You see the truth you find here....this is Bishop Edwin's blog, he's a retired Bishop in my Diocese he used to be a flying Bishop. If you read he write up on the goodbye service for the last Bishop of Southampton it just reeks of a dislike of trendy modern worship. Oh for the good ol' Book of Common prayer and proper starched vestments, not guitars and power point.

The truth that is being trumpeted by FiF is that there is a liberal drift in the CofE, but the reality is that, since about 1980, the unmistakable drift in the Church has been towards evangelicalism. Up until then throughout the 20th century there had been a near constant Anglo-catholic revival that had all but destroyed the liberal section of the Church. There were Liberal Catholics and Conservative Catholics....oh and a small group of Evangelicals.

What has happened since then is that the evangelicals have convincingly won the argument. They have one because they compromised with the prevailing culture got rid of vestments started singing modern songs that were more like pop than Elgar and people understood. Now most thriving parishes, most ordinands, most members of synod are evos.

Look at the figures, last year the Diocese had a shortfall. In my deanery one of the FiF parishes had a quota of £15,000 and failed to meet it by £3,000. Whereas three evangelical churches had a quota of £79,000, £96,000 and £178,000 and met that in full.

Then there is the gay issue. Forward in Faith claim that the Church of England has gone all soft on gay sex. Now Edwin Barnes was principal of St Stephen's House Oxford where they train Anglo-catholic vicars. Let me tell you a story about St Stephen's House. When I was a student I was studying alongside a Jusuit who before he became such was quite a promiscuous gay man. He told me he was once shagging one of the staff at St Stephen's, he said this bloke was told by Ena (the principal David Hope – oh yes everyone at St Stephen's had to have a woman's name as a nick name , what does that tell you about the ethos of the place?) to tell the ordinands to calm down with their outrageous gay behaviour, at least until after they were ordained. He spoke to the assembled college and then assured them “That this isn't any kind of witch hunt” to which a very camp voice from the back answered “Good job too, as they'd be more witches than hunters!”

High Church has encouraged the ministries of countless gay men over the years. Admittedly no one went on about what they were- that would just be bad taste, like wearing a polyester alb, but they were very much there. Now it's virtually impossible to get a place at theological college unless your married (yes I wouldn't get through nowadays). What has happened? The Church of England has gone all evo.

The Church of England is more conservative now than it has been in a very long time. It just isn't very Catholic. Evangelicals don't place a high value on communion so they're not to worried about a woman doing it, and they view Bishop's a bit like Methodists view the district chair – ie more of a co-ordinator than someone with real authority, and that is why they don't mind women Priests and women Bishops, though ironically they don't really like women vicars – and therein is the real problem the way evangelicals look at things and decide things is so very different from Anglo-catholics.

They are now a small minority in the Church, they have run out of ordinands and money and power and so they want to be part of the majority again.

None of which is a problem....I'm just asking them to be honest.

House

2010-08-04T22:36:00.002+01:00

Finished my dealings with the Diocese of Winchester today.

A guy came round to fill in a form about the state of the house. It's called 'The yellow leaving form'. No really.

We spoke about redundancy. Apparently the Diocese is reviewing his position.

Says it all really.

memory face

2010-07-31T20:00:00.001+01:00

I decided to day to track back all my wall posts on facebook to see when I'd joined. Wow they're all still there!

My favourite status update was:

"Is just about to be hit by a great big purple bus wearing a mitre. I'm not wearing a mitre the bus is"

Happy days

Fin

2010-07-25T17:25:00.003+01:00

So I sat in my seat for one final graduation ceremony. Decked out in a vile marriage of academic and clerical robes. There I was for one student in particular.

This particular student walked into chaplaincy for breakfast one day about three years ago. We spoke once or twice and then he had a very bad couple of weeks, he'd broken up with his girlfriend and decided to leave University. He rang me from home and told me that he had dropped out. His room was a state he said, his kitchen was covered in dirty pots, he was lonely and it was all getting on top of him.

I thought and prayed and then I asked him to come back. I told him I'd do my best to support him, and if he could stay till Christmas he might actually make it all the way through.

His Dad agreed to drive him back one Sunday afternoon, I agreed to meet him the other end and then once in, I helped him tidy his room and did his washing up and then he cooked a meal for both of us we sat and ate. And I, and my Free Church colleague did our best to support him over the next three years.

On Thursday I clapped as he crossed the stage in front of me. He got a First. He also has a fiancée. And he's doing a PhD.

I do the whole Christian thing, I do the telling people about Jesus and sometimes just occasionally I just help someone.

It was a fitting end to my job at the University of Southampton

Dogs look like their owner

2010-07-14T20:53:00.002+01:00

Having been pointed in the direction of type analyser by the Church Mouse, I decided to try it out on several people I know. I tried the links over here ------------------------------------->

Some of these are my students and former students and the thing that surprised me is that they all...yes all of them had the same blog type as me.

This seemed to confirm my long held theory that eventually congregations start to 'look like' their vicars. This is probably because vicars attract people like them. As the results came up the same I was worried that maybe there was a bug in the programme and it was just returning the same thing every time, so I put in the blog of a particularly popular misogynist FiF vicar and it came out:

The logical and analytical type. They are especially attuned to difficult creative and intellectual challenges and always look for something more complex to dig into. They are great at finding subtle connections between things and imagine far-reaching implications.

They enjoy working with complex things using a lot of concepts and imaginative models of reality. Since they are not very good at seeing and understanding the needs of other people, they might come across as arrogant, impatient and insensitive to people that need some time to understand what they are talking about.

I love the line 'they are not very good at seeing and understanding the needs of other people.'

Says it all, really.

Blog Type

2010-07-13T22:17:00.000+01:00

Found this on a blog:

Type Analyser. According to it I'm...

The active and playful type. They are especially attuned to people and things around them and often full of energy, talking, joking and engaging in physical out-door activities.

The Doers are happiest with action-filled work which craves their full attention and focus. They might be very impulsive and more keen on starting something new than following it through. They might have a problem with sitting still or remaining inactive for any period of time.

Gossip

2010-07-08T17:27:00.003+01:00

Apparently people have been comparing one of my colleagues in the deanery to Darren the evo from 'the Rev.'

I can't tell you who it is....but he does own a body warmer!

Untidy

2010-07-06T21:52:00.006+01:00

So first things first clear my office....where to...home I suppose.

However in order to receive it all the other office, the one no one knows about...'The bat cave' if you will has to be clear to receive it all.

And of course because I was not ready to move I have found that I need to do something with the various piles of paper I store around the place. All those things where you think "that could be useful but I don't know where to put it" so it gets files in pile.

So there was only one thing for it. I put all the piles into one big pile in the middle of the floor hoping that the resultant mess would motivate me to sort it all. Going through it all I realised the useful was intermingled with stuff I wanted to hang on to.

This corner seemed interesting. There is a sermon I preached about calling the week before I went off to what Anglicans call a 'Selection Conference' which is a three day interview for wanna be vicars. There is a map of somewhere I used to live. There is the parish magazine from when I was a curate. Finally tucked in there is a post card from about 15 years ago that proved to be significant.

I found so much of my life, it was like a flash back in messy paper form.

And then in among the papers I found this which was given, in 2005, to all the newly appointed chaplains by the Archbishops' adviser for HE; the Revd Hugh Shilson-Thomas. This was put to synod and despite being opposed by the chair of UCCF, who is a synod representative for this diocese, it passed. I believe it passed unanimously in the house of Bishops.

Of course since then it has been ignored by a number of members of that house.

The work is not finished, but it is over

2010-07-05T12:53:00.003+01:00

6 Months ago, everything was going well. We had just appointed our second chaplaincy assistant and he had settled in well. The Chaplaincy had had a good start to the year, and I was planning another epic rumour on campus.

We were making good partnerships with the institution, we had successfully negotiated a new chaplaincy lease and student services had even produced a map showing where you could go for support and chaplaincy was on it. I had a good relationship with the Chief Operating Officer and we had a new VC in post and I was beginning to get to know him.

Then I got a phone call completely out of the blue and I went to sit in my diocesan Bishop's office for only the second time in 9 years – the last time being when he agreed to ordain me. Then he told me that the Diocese was 'not in financial difficulty'. However it needed to take some drastic action.

I asked him 'Do I need to be concerned about this?' and we now know I did.

In the intervening time I felt a little alone. I can't really complain that the Bishop wasn't there for me. After all the crisis was accompanied by a spectacular piece of planning on the part of the Church of England that removed both our area Bishops just as 'the budget' was going through synod. I don't blame Micheal Scott-Joynt in anyway. I feel a lot of sadness for him, he seems to have aged a lot in the last six months. The pressure must be enormous.

I could have thought to myself 'I'll ring the Archdeacon' but my archdeacon is facing his own redeployment. The whole diocese has something of the air of depression about it. At my management course we were all asked to brainstorm the difficulties in ministry. Finances came up again and again. I was the only one there who didn't mention it.

'Lack of funds limits all we can do' one participant offered.

I know the diocese will get through this but it hasn't exactly been easy to be part of it. I've tried to carry on but it has been almost impossible. You see being clergy, you give up a lot of what other people take for granted. Your house is tied to your job. You can't save for that rainy day like other people can because your stipend is supposed to be enough, but only enough, to live on. Certainly not enough to buy that yellow sports car I've always wanted. But hey! I've got a blue Renault Megane can't complain at that. In return for laying that aside you have to have one thing, financial security. That is what the deal is supposed to be. To free us from that at least so that we can be there for the almost universal demands of ministry.

“Give me but one firm spot on which to stand, and I will move the earth” and all that.

Being chaplain to the University of Southampton these last six months has been like being in goal at Fratton Park. You can hardly blame me for wanting to kick off at the Walkers next season.

I have fought and the students have fought, and the offer when it came was not so much the chance to do more, but more like a bit more time in to find another job. Together with the offer of qualified common tenure. This year nearly broke me. I am not ready to go round that loop again.

So I have decided to leave Southampton.

It has been an honour to serve the finest university in the world. I remain incredibly grateful to both Bishop Michael and the Bishop Paul Butler for putting that trust in me.

The work is not finished, but it is over.

I have written to the Bishop and I have resigned.

Now it's off to pastures new.

Poor old Benedict

2010-07-03T18:14:00.003+01:00

You don't realise quite how much damage has been done to the reputation of the Church by all the scandals.

But look at this I did a news search for the word 'Priest' last night and this is what it threw up.

If you just zoom in on that you see all the stories concern one thing.

That's enough to put any young man off wanting to explore a vocation and what that must do for the moral of those still serving.

When a political organisation looses the confidence of people like this, it can always loose and election and 're-build the party' what the church does to renew itself in the face of this is anyone's guess.

Tom

2010-07-01T20:46:00.002+01:00

Today I said goodbye to Tom.

Who first popped up in chaplaincy in my first term here. Who first turns up on this blog here.

Once upon a time Tom wanted to be a physicist. Then he got involved in chaplaincy, and in SCM and in his local parish. Tom has in a real sense accompanied me on this journey. He has watched chaplaincy grow from nothing to something. He was there at the beginning of Boldrewood Tunnel Soc and became it's only president.

Eventually Tom joined the staff of the chaplaincy and supported me through this year.

And then yesterday was his last day.

Thank you Tom for everything. I wish you well in all you do.

There's plenty like me to be found

2010-06-28T19:30:00.001+01:00

Hold tight

2010-06-24T18:06:00.001+01:00

Well we thought it was all over...

But life is too exciting for that. That's right folks it's time to get back on that roller coaster...and get ready for part 2, which it turns out is even longer than part 1.

Hold tight!

Result!

2010-06-19T22:39:00.002+01:00

Congratulations to all our finalists who got their results yesterday. And especially to John Wheatley...who is a man who clearly knows all about boring, and grinding and laying.

Well done John!

And well done the rest of you.

I haven't

2010-06-15T14:42:00.002+01:00

"You've stopped blogging" everyone says to me at the moment.

"No, I haven't, I'm still here." I reply. On a blog, as it happens.

The point is I have been busy. I have been trying to organise things. I do have quite a lot to tell you really, but it is just finding the time. I have to ring the church times at some point too...apparently they want an interview.

The last few weeks I have been travelling around the country quite a lot.

On one of those travels I met someone who said she used to read this blog. So I sort of wondered is there anyone still there! Because you should definitely keep reading this. Who knows where this story goes next.

Anyway, what have you been up to?

Jobs Jobs Jobs

2010-06-08T23:45:00.002+01:00

You know what I spent most of 2009 looking for evidence of the recession and hardly saw any of it. A friend of mine went down from having a full time job to having to job share, but her husband kept his job so it was OK for them.

I watched the class of 2009 graduate and it seemed only slightly worse than last year.

Now all I seem to hear about it is job hunting. From friends as well as students. Not to mention my ~~local MP~~ ex-MP. It seems to me that the process of applying for jobs in this environment is a little de-humanising. The business of formulaic selling yourself. Of thickening your skin against rejection and ignoring your weaknesses.

There is something un-Jesus about the whole thing. Perhaps it is something we should theologically reflect on, especially University Chaplains. Maybe that needs to go into the person spec. if I may be so bold Bishop!
most interesting to date.

Dear Harry

2010-05-28T15:54:00.002+01:00

No wonder the Anglican Church is dying when its ministers back the party led by an atheist which opposes church schools.

I guess that believing in God is not a strong factor in who you vote for?

Thank you for your comment on my blog...and specially for doing that I'm not only going to respond in the comments you're going to get a blog entry just for you.

You see it's too easy to say what you have, it requires virtually no thought and it just drives a horse and cart through any kind of complex argument. If you're a Christian you have to vote for Christians. OK now go back and read what I actually said.

Let's get things straight. At this election there were three leaders of three main parties. Mr Brown is a Christian but actually hardly ever speaks about his faith. Mr Clegg is an atheist and Mr Cameron once described his faith as "a bit like the reception for Magic FM in the Chilterns: it sort of comes and goes". So you see there wasn't much to choose from there. None of them stood up and said vote for me and I will promote the agenda of God. They are all basically modern secularist politicians, who essentially want faith the be a private matter. In fact Nick Clegg is to be commended for his honesty. At least he admits he has no place for God in his thinking.

But of course unless you live in Witney, Sheffield or Kirkcaldy you didn't actually vote for these people. In my constituency God was not mentioned in any campaign literature. I have no idea what the winning candidate's beliefs are and I'm not going to speculate on them here. I knew the Liberal Democrat candidate but actually her personal religious opinions never got mentioned in any of the conversations we had, I didn't ask since I tend to find people are a lot more open to the things of God if you don't shove them down their throats. I'm not ashamed of the Gospel it is precisely because it is the power of salvation that you don't need to force it into people's lives.

I have no idea what the UKIP candidate believed or the Labour candidate.

So rather than deciding who you would vote for based on how close their Sunday attendance was to yours. Actually you could do what I do and sit down and think it through carefully. You see no where in over 4 gospels did Jesus ever say vote for...

Quite the opposite he did tend to have opinions like 'render to Caesar'.

It is, I am afraid, slightly more complicated. There are a whole range of Christian opinions and we have to look at them alongside the mainstream party's. You see for some people it's all about the family for them you need to vote for the Party that will defend marriage. They often vote for the right. Interestingly enough there are a least a couple of occasions in the Bible in which Jesus seems to give family quite a low priority. (Luke 8: 19-21)

For some people it is about taking care of the poor and needy. Something the Lord seemed never to shut up about. Those people often vote with the left.

Since there isn't really a Christian party and even if there was actually there are so many different ideas just within the Church that actually it's not actually possible for us to put a coherent manifesto together that actually represents 100% of Christian ideas.

And as to the Church dying, well Harry I hate to point out the complexities of the situation but actually there are a whole bunch of reasons why the Church has declined for the last couple of centuries. One of course is the industrialisation of Britain in the 19th century. With it's rapid relocation of the proletariat, and the severing of their lives from the local church. It is about the growth of post modernism.

And of course one of the biggest reason for the loss of faith is that right from the 19th century on, secularists have viewed themselves as morally superior to Christians. Which of course is something we are doing everything in our power to confirm. An awful lot of people who aren't Christians now view Christians as a bit like them only more murderously hating of homosexuals.

But lets be honest here Harry, out of all the people you could pick in England and point to as an example of a dying Church, I'm probably the worst.

After all I was supposed to be made redundant...and I'm still here mostly because 1,000 students wanted me. We're not in decline here.

So you see it's a bit more complicated.

OH CRAP!

2010-05-10T22:16:00.003+01:00

This could change everything.

Thank goodness my parliament is made of Duplo.

Building the Future

2010-05-09T21:38:00.008+01:00

I have been left of centre for a while. I lived through the last recession as an unemployed man and I as such, I was able to listen to Peter Lilly blame the unemployed for being unemployed and declare that the 'something for nothing society is coming to an end'.

In the last two recessions the policy of letting the markets sort it out was brutal with unemployment rising massively even after the recession was over. This time it has not been so. Maybe just maybe that is something to do with having a slightly more caring government at the helm. I don't relish the thought of the man who assisted Norman Lamont then, moving into Downing Street now.

Many people want to see progressive government. This includes many Labour and Liberal Democrats. Indeed in this part of the world for both those groups the Tory's are the common enemy. So it is natural for them to seek some sort of Lib-Lab coalition. Or to sit in opposition.

But as I sat in the Stag's Head on election night two things struck me. The Politics society had issued everyone with a sticker on the way in in their chosen party colours. I noticed how there were hardly any red stickers in the room...but there weren't many blue either. There was a whole bunch of yellow. It was a fact that the student vote this time seemed to have gone Lib Dem. The second thing I noticed was the look of horror that crossed one of the Tory voting students face as he listened to the news that his party had not only come fourth in Scotland, it's share of the vote had actually gone down.

I worry about a minority conservative government. Because it will disenfranchise too many people. Not just the students with yellow badges. The blue party has not sufficiently broadened it's appeal. There are still swaths of the North of England, Scotland and Wales, a lot of inner cities, and minority groups who still do not feel David Cameron represents them. And if he does a deal with the DUP and thus protects that part of the UK from cuts he will further damage the Union.

But while there are many areas in which the Conservatives do not have a mandate, in some they do: In defence in, dealing with immigration, with regards to the EU and the Euro, in poll after poll, the Conservatives came top. We live in a democracy so I accept that (with, of course, my palm clasped repeatedly to my own forehead). And while there is growing support for electoral reform, at the moment those wishing for PR, are far from the majority. And finally, the conservative are far and away the biggest party in England.

We are in difficult times as a country. I rainbow progressive coalition would be weak and, missing out the largest party, would lack an obvious mandate. We need a strong Government. However the Conservative Party should not make the mistake of thinking strong government is synonymous with a Government that implements their policies. You cannot completely implement that which only 37% of the voters agreed with. But a genuine compromise backed by nearly 70% of voters could lead to a new beginning.

Which is why I want the Liberal Democrats to put Mr Cameron into Downing Street. And I want Mr Cameron to compromise as much as is necessary.

I know first hand how difficult this will be for local Lib-Dems. After all we have just lost one of the finest MPs on the South Coast, which is painful. It took me nearly a year to get over loosing my nan, it took me 6 months to get over my first broken heart but I don't think I'll ever get over loosing Sandra Gidley as my MP.

But we have to do this. Because if we don't, if we refuse to be in Government, or if we form a coalition of the loosers then we will with give the electorate no choice but to give Mr Cameron a landslide victory.

And this is about the future. I voted for the future on Thursday. There is no doubt in my mind that it will be better if it is built on some Lib-Dem policies.

Come on...

2010-05-06T10:16:00.001+01:00

What does he owe to whom?

2010-05-05T23:48:00.003+01:00

Once upon a time, roughly in the 80s there were two strains of thought in British and American political thought. One, the left said there needed to be redistribution of wealth. The other, the right, argued that you couldn't have that. It was too expensive and it ruined the economy. The cited the 70s as evidence of that on both sides of the Atlantic.

So it was all well and good to want to help the poor but sadly you were going to have to sit back and let the markets take care of it. Of course there would be some trickle down wealth but basically the markets would just be left to their own devices.

The only trouble was the voters began to feel guilty about the fact that those at the bottom kept getting screwed.

Then along came the 90s and the left, in the shape of Bill Clinton, tried a new tactic. We could look after the vulnerable and needy and have a decent economy. This idea proved very popular and was instantly stolen by the Labour Party. Result? Landslide victories and only nasty rich people prepared to vote Tory!

In The US the Right pondered this for a while. Clearly the Left had won the argument about taking care of people how could they respond? Then they spotted something, there was one group of right wingers who seemed to want to help those in need. Christians. And there were a lot of them in America. Particularly Protestants, they believed in people being allowed to change and helping them to do it. This came together with Right Wing fiscal policy and created compassionate conservatism. Now the state could draw back from looking after people, thus saving valuable tax dollars, but instead of the markets taking care of it, someone else now would, Churches and other voluntary organisations. After all, reasoned Bush, they were better at it anyway. It didn't matter that mostly they weren't actually so bothered about helping people as converting them or that this violated the first amendment. He did it and it won him two elections.

So I found a little story on Iain Dale's blog. This notes that apparently one of the Conservative candidates, Philippa Stroud, has. in the past, offered deliverance ministry to homosexual men and women, in order for God to change them. She was offered the chance to refute the allegations and instead simply said she didn't believe that homosexuality was an illness. Which, obviously, if it is as a result of demon possession, it can't be an illness.

Now Iain does he best to defend her, stating he is happy Christians to pray for him as a gay man because they pray for lots of people. Iain, do bear in mind, when I pray for ill people it's because they have something wrong with them.

Frankly I would be astonished if the wife of a New Frontiers Church had views other than those she is accused of, so would the Church.

But leave that on one side...the point here is that according to the Observer she is credited with formulating over 70 of the party's policy. This is a fully paid up member of the Christian Right, which apparently have very little influence over policy in the UK, right at the centre of the Tory plans for the election. And what do we find in their manifesto? A solid commitment to something called the Big Society. An idea in which the state draws back from various activities to allow the voluntary sector to step in. Organisations... like Churches.

All of this means that David Cameron owes much more to George W. Bush than he is letting on.

Sometimes change is new....sometimes it's just different.

The Final Score

2010-04-30T21:28:00.005+01:00

First of all I want to express my heart felt gratitude for everything that has been done over the last few months to support me. The messages, practical help and most importantly prayers have been invaluable. I could not have made without them.

I have been propped up by those I came to support, I have been helped by those I came to aid and I have been loved by those I came to care for. I have seen Christian community at its best, and I have to say I have faith in that form church as a result. I am incredibly grateful.

We need to read this all in a context of the original diocesan budget which looked to be a £1.4 million shortfall. Against this backdrop the diocese clearly needed to make some changes and, of course, it is much more difficult to make changes in the pattern of parochial ministry than it is to make cuts at the centre or indeed in sector ministry (College or University chaplaincies in other words)

Of course since then the diocesan budget looks a little bit healthier and so some things are being revised. There was some hope of a Free Church and Anglican appointment and I would love to tell you why that didn't work and probably will some day when I have left office!

Now the diocese is looking to put something in place for the academic year 2011-2012. This will be I think probably some kind of combined post. It's up to them how they do and what they do. They also want to look with their ecumenical partners to review the chaplaincy.

In the mean time there is the question of continuity of pastoral care since none of this will be in place before September 2011. There is as well the question of what becomes of me as well.

For that reason the diocese has decided to keep me in post.

I have already been in post for 5 years and that is how long most University Chaplains hang around anyway, so to do one more year is about right, and indeed we are now talking of 15 months.

So I know what the immediate future holds, and I am in God's hands for the long term. It has been a roller-coaster ride, and right from the start it seemed like only a miracle could keep me in post. Well anyone who works for God gets used to miracles, they seem to happen quite a lot.

So with that in mind, I ask you to pray; for the future of chaplaincy; for next year; and for me.

Thank you.

The Final Score

2010-04-29T19:53:00.002+01:00

So there have now been countless meetings.

There have been talks and finances have been looked at. Budgets have been consulted and finally a decision has been taken.

A decision about me and the chaplaincy.

And I've decided to tell everyone tomorrow. As many people as want to come are being invited to the chaplaincy at 4pm when I will be making an announcement about not only my own future but that of the chaplaincy.

I have decided to do it this way so it doesn't go round like a rumour but so that everyone who wants to know gets to hear at once. I will post something here shortly afterwards.

The Sun is blue not yellow

2010-04-26T11:02:00.003+01:00

I had a conversation with an old lady once about the colour of the sun. I said it was yellow. She said flames were orange. I told her the sun wasn't a ball of fire it was a gas.

'Why isn't it blue?' she asked.

Objective, impartial journalism. The stuff of democracy. Many of newspapers were founded to give a voice to the voiceless. Indeed the Sun was formed to give a voice to striking workers and was proudly socialist for a number of years.

Now of course it is true blue. We know that, it's obvious. But today I give you two of the most blatant examples of the Sun spinning the election for Rupert Murdock.

Number one the Sun has been telling everyone that if you vote for Clegg you will get Brown, because Clegg will keep him in power in the event of a hung parliament. The argument is clear; the only way you can decide this election is by giving Mr Cameron a landside victory.

This was very damaging to Clegg so he countered it this Sunday, saying that there was no way he would keep the third party in power. Effectively, if the Conservatives win the most votes, they have to be given the chance to form a coalition. How did the Sun report this?

Like this

Clegg, we are told, will insist that he becomes the Prime Minister, in a back room deal with Labour. The only way for the voters to defeat that nasty undemocratic Mr Clegg, is to choose a Conservative government for themselves.

Story number two: Mumsnet. This has been trumpeted as a real election battleground. Which is why today the Sun gives us a clear indication of their anti-Clegg sentiment. The details aren't important in this story, the truth is that mumsnet don't want Clegg.

A quick look on the front page of the site reveals just how easily David Cameron is winning this battle with a poll revealing over 53% going for the Yellow party.

Hang on I seem to be getting my colours mixed up here. Perhaps the Sun isn't a gas it's just hot air.

Some people are never happy

2010-04-23T13:02:00.003+01:00

It seems Ubuntu has finally got a new theme

Apparently there are those who don't like it because it looks just like Mac OS X

By contrast here is my computer running Ubuntu 8.04.

I can't see what their problem is.

It seems I agree with Nick!

2010-04-22T22:19:00.002+01:00

But it was Rupert who told me so I should probably disregard that.

This weeks political news in 'Sound Bite' form:

2010-04-19T11:12:00.002+01:00

Bird shits on tree and flower.

Hell and Dibley

2010-04-08T14:11:00.001+01:00

Not the most charitable thought I've ever had, but I wonder if there's a special place in hell reserved for you if you divorce the Vicar of Dibley.

Or does he go there anyway for giving the world 'Chef'?

In the privacy of your own mind

2010-04-05T19:54:00.006+01:00

You have, as Kierkegaard is famously supposed to have noted, freedom of thought (it's one of those blindingly obvious internet quotes that people pass on because they think being able to quote a philosopher makes them look clever)

You have also freedom of belief. No one can climb inside your mind and tell you to sort it out.

You can believe in God or fate or blind chance. You can hold fast to good things, you can ascend to the heights, you can dream, you can hope and you can fantasise. You can also believe some stuff which you really shouldn't.

We come back to this issue of gay rights verses Christian rights, on which the shadow home secretary spoke recently. I agree with Chris Grayling people have a right to say who comes into their own home. The trouble is when you are running a business you have decided to do away, at least in part, in that right in order to make money. They open their doors to people they would never have in their house, people they probably don't even like, they cook for them, they clean for them, they even thank them for coming, all for cash.

So why gay people?

If I were in a room with the couple who sparked this whole thing off I would ask what other sins do they not allow on the premises? How about lying? What about being rude? What about praying with your head covered? How about a couple who are straight but not married? What about a couple who are, but she used to be his secretary and he left his first wife for her? Will they be turned away? Will they even be asked? If two men aren't even allowed to sleep in the same bed...what can't straight people do? Is spanking OK? How about with a wire brush? Some silk ties and a gag? Or Pegging? Or snowballing? Or Tea bagging? Now there's something that sounds like Christians should definitely be doing it. That's what I would say if I was in a room with the couple that turned away two gay men who had turned up to stay at their B+B because it was against their faith.

You I suspect that underlying their refusal is a deep disgust at homosexuality, which one finds all the time when one talks to people about this. I have lost count of the amount of times when a statement about homosexual acts being sinful is followed up by a homophobic comment. Something like "Well just thinking about two men doing that to each other, it's just disgusting, isn't it?"

Actually no, there is nothing inherently disgusting about two people having sex, and the fact that you find it more so when it is two men than when it is an unmarried couple or say an abusive straight relationship, indicates a level of bigotry I'm not comfortable with. But hey, you can still stay in my house! At least while I still have one.

The Bible it turns out is very positive about having strangers to stay

"Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares." Heb 12:3

It forgets to point out you need to check if they are gay or not.

Oh dear

2010-04-03T23:07:00.002+01:00

What is it about that man, that wonderful, kind, considerate, thoughtful man who leads this little church?

How doers Rowan do it?

Child sex abuse. A subject that is so black and white that the only people with descenting views are filthy perverts with vile lusts recognised as such by the rest of humanity. Clerical sex abuse, definitely totally wrong. Church cover ups and concealment, allowing offenders off the hook, recognisably reprehensible.

So how, in the name of all that is holy does Rowan Williams manage to get himself on the wrong side of this debate? To be forced to apologise for his remarks before they have even been aired marks a new record and low point in his inglorious history of mass communication. Following on from Sharia Law we now have something even better. He has managed to accidentally, completely screw his relationship with the Roman Catholic Church.

It's like he has special access to another realm, beyond this one, populated by things made entirely of crap. He is a Midas of mire, and anti alchemist who can turn almost anything to dust. Funnily enough though I'm actually starting to like that about him.

That air of complete buffoonery that is the hallmark of so much of our church and now feels strangely comforting.

Almost like home.

State of play

2010-03-30T17:58:00.002+01:00

It is now four months since the vote and it seems reasonable to give an update to the facts as I understand them.

The Diocese are now exploring with the Free Churches (Methodist, URC and Baptist) the possibility of merging the two posts, since I used to have a part time colleague, and there is currently no one in that post.

However although it now seems this is the only game in town no formal decision to create this post has been taken. The question remains purely financial, I would imagine. So four months on from the decision to seek alternative funding for my post we are no further forward. Indeed today I got my next pay slip leaving me with just three to go.

Once the decision has been taken to create the post there must be an ecumenical agreement, and then it must be advertised and interviewed. That could take a while.

As for me, I am now off work. I hope I will be well enough to start the new term in just over two and a half weeks.

Darkness

2010-03-26T20:52:00.002Z

They say it is always darkest before dawn...but surely it is always darkest half way through the night.

Having returned from a recent trip, which did not yield the way out I wanted, it seems pretty dark.

It is not all bad, it's never all bad, God seems to keep my head just above water, I seem to have a Fairy God-Bishop somewhere out there in the Church of England.

Pray he can work some magic!!!!

Start menu evny

2010-03-22T21:23:00.004Z

Ring Ring, Ring Ring

Me: Hello

Her: Ah, Hello am I speaking to the owner of the telephone line.

Me: Well I think that technically the company owns the telephone line and I rent it.

Her: Ah, yes, so you are the owner of this line.

Me: Hmmmm...well you obviously didn't understand that, so I'll go with yes.

Her: Good, I am Sheila, and I need to speak to you about your computer.

Me: That's an unusual name for someone from the Indian subcontinent, I think.

Her: I am sorry to tell you that we have a report that your computer has been infected with many viruses

Me: Oh...who made this report?

Her: What we find sir, is that these viruses slow your computer down quite a bit.

Me: Oh my, how terrible. Could that happen without me knowing?

Her: Oh yes sir, we are now contacting you to sort out this problem.

Me: Oh that's so kind of you, we must sort it out immediately.

Her: OK can you start your computer.

Me: OK I'll do that......just booting now....OK I'm logged in.

Her: Now sir, make sure all your programmes are shut down and windows closed.

Me: Yes it's chilly today! OK now what?

Her: You need to press the Start Button.

Me: The what?

Her: The Start Button.

Me: No, you've lost me.

Her: The start Button

Me: Yeah, still not getting it.

Her: Sir, the START BUTTON.

Me: Still don't get what you want me to do.

Her: OK, just press the start button.

Me: Where's that?

Her: On your screen.

Me: Oh the screen. Nope, can't see it.

Her: Ok, I need you to look at your screen, extreme bottom left, there is a Start Button.

Me: No, nothing there.

Her: It's on your screen. You need to press it to bring up the menus.

Me: No there is nothing there.

Her: OK sir, I think you're not understanding, at the bottom of your screen is the bar and at the extreme left of that is your start menu. Have you used a computer before?

Me: Yes, I have, hang on... I'm looking... no, still nothing.

Her: The task bar, sir it's like a strip across the screen.

Me: The task bar? Oh yes.

Her: Can you see it?

Me: No.

Her: What?!?

Me: I took it off.

Her: You can't do that, sir.

Me: I have another bar at the top of the screen, do you want to use that one?

Her: OK you have moved your task bar to the top of the screen, can you press the start button?

Me: No...there isn't one. I have 'Applications', 'Places' and 'System'. Any good?

Her: You have this on your bar, sir?

Me: Yes together with the time and date, my pigeon status, a 'shut down' icon and some googly eyes that follow my mouse around the screen.

Her: Sir, are you actually using Windows?

Me: Windows? Hell no! I'm using something much better called Linux. Almost impossible to get a virus on it.

Her: We only work with Windows.

Me: I know and that means it's going to be quite impossible to scam me today due to my operating system being incompatible with what ever mal ware you were hoping to load onto it. So we may as well talk about something else.... What are you wearing?

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Me: Hello? Hello?

Point of no return

2010-03-19T22:27:00.002Z

It seems that there is now money on the table and the possibility of a post existing in this place for the next academic year.

I would love to tell you exactly why and how and who it involves, but I can't.

I would also love to tell you that there is some certainty for me and the chaplaincy now, but there isn't. I could still loose my job in June, and I have bills to pay in July and no means of doing that.

Or there could be a chaplaincy next year with someone else doing the job.

I made a promise to the students and to everyone else that I would stay no matter what, but if there is no chaplaincy or there is someone else doing my job then staying seems pointless and indeed in the case of someone else in post it would be counter productive. One thing I am certain of is that if I am not paid I will not be allowed to stay.

So today I applied for another job in Derby Diocese. It does not feel good. It feels like I am giving up. I'm not, in fact quite the opposite, I still passionately believe that God has called me here. I still passionately believe that God is not done with this chaplaincy.

But what else do I do?

I ran down the road at 1am

2010-03-15T01:46:00.002Z

I did it. After almost 20 years of waiting and wanting, I finally did it. I feel giddy, I feel like a child, I feel like a student who has just been given a first, I feel like a gay man who has been in the closet for years and then finally given in and snogged the face off some beefy guy, I feel like footballer who has just scored from his own half....and I feel so alive.

I feel like me, totally and completely me and I realise how few people know what I'm really like because I didn't know either.

The weight of responsibility falls off me. And for one fleeting moment, I feel happy.

Who's there?

2010-03-14T17:08:00.000Z

You remember that door?

Well I'm going through it.

Brrrrrrrrrrrr

2010-03-12T18:20:00.002Z

Good job he's wearing a hat then

Of course only people involved in chaplaincy will get this

2010-03-11T15:30:00.019Z

So I said

and

But Rob reckoned

and Peter prefered

And then I thought

Which then meant

There was some debate about

before we settled on

and everyone agreed on

Quite a lot of people said

I told one person that I thought if

then

and I can't remember if they replied

Which prompted someone to suggest

which I said, naturally implies

Which was unanimously rejected in favour of

At which point I decided the whole star trek comparisons was just pointless.

Although that could explain why I am being deactivated in the summer when the rest of the crew is on holiday.

In other news...

2010-03-09T20:31:00.008Z

...7 of 9 assimilates ECS Drone.

And yes I'm so going to get slapped for that one tomorrow. Hard. And I'm going to deserve it!

Says it all really!

Speaking of facebook relationship status (as we were) this made me smile.

In case you are wondering

2010-03-04T04:02:00.002Z

Billy Fitz is your new SUSU president.

Charlotte Woods is VP Media.

Chris Pidge is the VP Ed and Rep.

Emily Rees is the VP Welfare blokette.

and some really big tall guy is the AU Pres.

Oh yes and after years and years of standing Ron finally won something.

R.O.N. is now WSA President. Whoops!

Once again Dark Side Chaplaincy has the news before susu.org :P

Bong....tonight in Downing Street

2010-02-26T22:20:00.002Z

Another gloriously news free day. I don't mean the real news, you know, Portsmouth going into administration and the MI5's dubious detainment record. No I mean me related news.

Nothing to report.

Except today I got myself a wage slip. 4 to go!

The following jobs are now available: Derby University, Nottingham Trent University, Keble College, Oxford and Queens College, Oxford.

One thing I noticed was that most of the jobs now advertised have interview dates in April. They say that once a Vicar gets a job it takes a minimum of three months to move and start work. All of which means if I don't stay here, a period of unemployment is inevitable.

The trouble with trying to tell people what is going on

2010-02-25T01:48:00.006Z

So, I thought to myself, the press (I say the press I mean the Southern Daily Echo and The Church Times) have gone away, I wonder if anyone wants to know what is happening next.

The problem there is I thought I could just tell the story as it unfolded. In a sense it was a bit like Round Ireland with a Fridge only less contrived and written-after-the-events-and-tidied-up-to-make-it-more-entertaining it might also involve an actual proper bloody fridge.

The problem though as I found out is that actually there isn't always much news, for example I thought by now there would have been quite a few meetings with the Diocese and all sorts of discussions. I would love to give you an idea of how fund raising is going. My conservative estimation is that we now have about £9000. Which is approaching a third of what we need, but I have no idea what the diocese have on the table. The trouble is, almost 3 months after the synod vote, there is still nothing definite on the table. That includes the option where I loose my job. Yes, that's right, I still haven't been given my formal notice, so I could well be staying.

Then there are the e-mails I have received, that start something like "look don't tell anyone that I told you this, but did you know there is a pot of money stashed here. Someone should probably point this out to the Bishop." Of course, I don't know if any of that is true...I suspect that any hidden pots of money have long since been identify and raided.

Then there is confidentiality. I have lost count of the amount of conversations in which people have told me stuff and and then said, but I need you to keep this to yourself.

Finally there is the left field stuff...which only one person knows about.

In fact there is so many layers of stuff going on, I would love to tell you but I can't. I can't because it's conjecture, or rumour, or confidential. I can't walk around with all that in my head and not have it explode. So I have told two people. One is very close to me the other is all the way away in Bethnall Green.

Basically currently MSD is talking to EFD about the possibility of JEC. Meanwhich DS is talking direct with CEFD about JFI. There are HR problems that ADS has identified which much be resolved before MCD and USC and BRM can sign off on JEC. MSD is not currently talking to AJS2BT but probably will in due course. VBP has spoken to DS and he says all is good to go. There have been e-mails from F G T and L. 24BR is on the table...and off again.

Meanwhile AL has contacted YMS and asked him to meet BTL and BB to discuss X. Which no one was expecting and indeed after that X has become Y and threatens to become Z which will shock everyone. If it ever happens. Which it probably wont. Meanwhile KAHOUAT is trying to hold everything together. TJSS is excited JLKS has very little of any intelligence to say and MDSS is upset.

All of which reminds me of another time in chaplaincy, and actually that all ended well, indeed A and C are getting married and as for B... well along came ECS#3172 and well, who knows where that will end. And even the D is getting some. So if God can solve all that back then...then he can sort this one out too. I promise you this I will tell you everything as soon as it is all sorted out. It should just be a blog post, but if it gets any more complicated then it will just have to be a book.

It wont involve a fridge.

It will involve a kettle.

Conference

2010-02-21T03:13:00.002Z

What is it about conferences (I am currently at the SCM conference in Derbyshire) that you end up staying up till 3am every night and then getting an average of 5 hours sleep a night?

This isn't the printer you're looking for

2010-02-17T00:04:00.005Z

Tom was thinking out loud one day. He wondered why he was always going over to the print shop to run off all the lovely A3 colour posters we have been producing lately in chaplaincy.

Why don't we just buy an A3 printer?

Ah yes. We asked the chaplaincy secretary to look into it and she called isolutions and they said "Yar matey there be one right here" and sent it over.

And here it is in my office.

BLOODY HELL! All I wanted was a printer and they seem to have sent me R2 chuffing D2! Look at the size of that thing! It's supposed to hold paper not be a suitable hiding place for a small child. We have University security patrolling the campus at night to keep the building secure from burglars, now we are going to have to tell them to look out for Jawas as well. Not to mention the fact that it sits taking up an unfeasibly large quantity of space in my office.

Seriously it's huge. You probably can't tell that from the pictures so here is one I took with a passing Ewok for comparison

If I come in tomorrow and find a protocol droid I'm going to complain to highest authorities. I mean either Don Nutbeam or George Lucas.

Lent with interest

2010-02-15T19:37:00.003Z

It is Ash Wednesday in a couple of days time. Tomorrow the chaplaincy is having it's annual pancake party. Which this year is a fund raising event for chaplaincy.

But what to do about Lent, I ask myself. Mostly because I don't like Lent. I can see no reason for being miserable for 5 weeks, especially when we don't get to do all of Lent in chaplaincy.

I usually don't give anything up for Lent, although one year I gave up wearing yellow, which was almost impossible.

I decided to put together a list of things to give up. I came up with a couple and then I asked various students for suggestions and then I had quite a long list:

1) Chocolate
2) Fudge
3) Talking about sex
4) Pessimism
5) Behaving inappropriately
6) My job
7) Open source software
8) Penitence
9) Lent
10) Your mum
11) Tea
12) Facebook
13) Blogging
14) BBC Iplayer

So even though making lists is a symptom of mental illness, there's only one thing to do with a list like that. Internet it's over to you. All on your keypads and........vote now!

The Numbers Game

2010-02-12T16:42:00.002Z

The Methodist Church is offering to join the Church of England.

Forward in Faith are threatening to leave.

Let's do the Maths.

Number of Forward in Faith parishes in the entire Diocese of Winchester: 4

Number of Methodist Churches just in Southampton: 6

Come on Beney we need that ordinariate.

The future

2010-02-09T11:57:00.002Z

Yep...well now I'm off on a residential course. For the first time in 5 years I am going to miss Wednesday communion.

What am I going to learn I hear you cry.

Well it is a course run by the Diocese of Winchester, which is supposed to help me plan the next stage of my ministry. I am supposed to take stock and then plan a project which I will do until September.

Obviously this course doesn't work if you are about to leave your job.

Sometimes the left hand lets the right hand know what it is doing. Other times it just ignores it.

Whoops!

2010-02-08T01:31:00.003Z

Today I have:

1) Corrupted a student (male).

2) Come within a hairs breath of being kicked off campus and had to explain myself to the head of University security.

3) Used up an entire role of electrical tape.

4) Run with scissors.

And the day is only an hour and a half old.

Speaking of surreal

2010-02-05T02:21:00.003Z

When I have students who are a bit low. I encourage them to try to get early nights.

The reason for this is simple. If you end up doing the whole 'sleepless' nights thing, this can actually lead to you having less contact with the world. If you sit there alone at 2:21 am while he rest of the world sleeps around you, you can end up feeling entirely disconnected and that's not good for your mental state.

However I have found another solution to early nights: Spend the early hours of the morning listening to the Chris Evans breakfast show. Get ready for the new day that has just passed before heading off to bed at 4am (after all you're not going to be there to hear it live!) and the whole thing takes on a happy-yay-breakfast-almost-drug-induced surreal quality to it. And I should know, I've eaten breakfast on more than one occasion.

On today's show Chris meets the CEO of the Deed Poll people.

Apparently he's never changed his name and his favourite deed poll of all time is the bloke who changed his name to Yellow Rat Foxy Squirrel Fairy Diddle.

Which of course means I need to think of something more for my name. I had felt that the whole colour thing would mean that I wouldn't need a surname, but clearly people could mistake me for Mr Rat Foxy Squirrel Fairy Diddle.

Perhaps the internet could assist me with suggestions of an appropriate second name.

Concrete cows

2010-02-02T21:57:00.001Z

Back in Soton. That was boring! Concrete cows don't get any more interesting.

Right, where was I?

Oh yeah, Giraffe.

Taking a break

2010-01-31T16:14:00.003Z

Sometimes you just need to get out of the situation.

Sometimes you just need a break.

I feel like getting in the car and then just drive and drive and drive.

I could be at Milton Keynes by daybreak.

Tick Tick Tick

2010-01-29T23:52:00.001Z

Today I got my pay slip for January.

Five to go.

Just for the record

2010-01-28T00:40:00.002Z

I didn't do it. I was at home. In bed. With my assistant.

He didn't do it either.

Good that's that one delt with. Everything plausably denied. There will be no roumous circulating now.

Response

2010-01-26T14:09:00.003Z

There are various ways in which you can respond in any given situation.

How do you like to respond there, people of the internets? Shall we take a moment and consider the things we do when present with difficulty.

(At this point, just sit quietly for 30 seconds - normally I like to time pauses for reflection for the congregation, but as I'm not actually there you'll have to do this for yourself

You could try this video

although you may find the sound distracting you reflections)

Now I'm going to try the one response you probably weren't thinking of. I'm going to respond to the current situation in my life with surrealism. The next thing I do is going to be thought out and executed with four legs and a neck and persistence of memory. So tonight I'm going to take my assistant out for a spot of illegal activity.

Watch this space. And indeed this one too.

Chapter 4: In which our hero attempts to write his CV

2010-01-23T20:04:00.003Z

Hmmmm... so I don't know if I'm job hunting yet or not but it seems the right time to get your CV up to date.

I check through on the computer. My CV describes me as a curate and college chaplain. That wont do. It's got the wrong address on.

Now what should I put on it?

I look up one of those how to do your CV guides online. It says to start with your name, address and phone number. That was easy. I have them written down.

Now what comes next? Apparently according to the site I need a brief paragraph about my career goals. Short and snappy. Crumbs! I'm a priest am I even allowed career goals? Surely I should just write 'The will of God'. Perhaps 'Will only accept advancement under duress, if personally communicated with, by a minimum of 10 angels (or 1 crown appointments committee)'. How about 'Career goals, as of 2010: Not sleeping in a gutter and having a salary'? Hmmm, that's not overburdened with hubris, is it?

Maybe I actually need to put myself forward. 'Career Goals: Canterbury, York, Oxford, Durham (Will settle for Sodor and Mann)'. Well that was snappy! Perhaps less lofty goals: 'to be chaplain of a university...almost exactly like Southampton Uni' Nah, never does to scream 'I can't let go!' from the pages of a CV. I think I'll come back to this bit.

Next thing I have to do a paragraph on what sort of person I am. 'A highly motivated salesman with a track record in the duct tape sector' that sort of thing.

How about 'Bringing colour to the University, in a very literal way, since 2005'? This is probably going to be read by a Bishop, so maybe 'If they made you redundant how many 18-22 year olds would object? Would it be more or less than a thousand?' Actually that's cheating I know more 18-22 year olds than my Bishop. Um....thinks....'Thousands of students searching for a non existent tunnel. Nuff said'. Something a bit more narrative, like say:

"Described as 'interesting' by students, and 'off the wall' by staff members, as 'oh yes I've heard of him' by the VC and 'expensive' by the Diocesan Finance Director. Occasional star of stage, screen and the Church Times blog'."

or

"He's small, he's round, he's yellow, with a huge appetite for life, able to navigate through the maze of the University, avoiding trouble where necessary but able to deal with whatever spiritual nasties come his way - basically he's Pac-man"

Or shall I just start with a brief list of my previous jobs?

Yep. That's what I'll do.

Yellow not Blue

2010-01-19T15:57:00.002Z

The latest meme sweeping the web is David Cameron's poster currently hanging ominously close to somewhere near you.

Click here and then see my offering below.

Grass roots

2010-01-16T21:12:00.003Z

Politics isn't just about what goes on at the national level it is also about what is happening down here at the grass roots level.

I live in one of the country's most marginal constituencies.

Judging by the numbers this should be a shoe in for the Conservatives. So why when there are only 125 votes in it between them and the Lib Dems, are the Conservatives campaigning so hard here? Why does David Cameron keep writing to me?

Only today I spied a member of the shadow cabinet striding his way up and down my road. From the look of how quickly it took Sir George Young (for it was he) to get from one end of the road to the other - he spent just 57.3 seconds at the couple over the road's house, and even shorter time at those either side: Just 6.9 seconds at one, and at the other the woman didn't even answer the door (she was on the phone - still he waved at her through the window, nice man!) - It seemed like a lot of people were quickly expressing their disinterest.

Consequently I should say this election is anything but a foregone conclusion.

He didn't speak to me, probably because I was busy charging up and down the road on my bike trying out the new stop-watch feature on my cyclometer. And I was also dressed head to foot in Libe Dem colours, which was nothing to do with politics really, but more to do with my having a slight predisposition to the colour yellow and a fairly major predisposition, with me not becoming intimately acquainted with a car windscreen.

Small and not so small mercies

2010-01-15T23:45:00.002Z

Kierkegaard once talked of a dash, like one you would get in a sentence, but it was a sort of existential dash within his life that mark a hiatus in his existence.

Here we are in January and the time is ticking by. There is now very little I can do except get on with my job and wait until my next meeting with the Bishop. He is doing all the official fund raising and I have no idea where he is up to with it.

But in the meantime I have received some good news. At least one church has now firmly committed to supporting me and has given money to the diocese. The students have now raised pledges worth about £4,000, and then just before Christmas I opened a letter that had been put on my desk, not knowing what it contained. I wondered if it wass from a church offering support but it turned out to be from an indivudual enclosing a cheque for £500 'for my support'.

I was touched by such a generous thought. Equally I have been moved by the many messages I have recieved from far and wide and the offers of prayers. Including a few Atheists who have got in touch to tell me that they are keeping their fingers crossed and hoping that blind chance will enable everything to work out alright.

Yep, it is a strange hiatus. In some respects synod is old news and seems like a very long time ago. In other repects it is sometime too present a distraction from the real work, of serving those I was put here to care for.

Snow Day

2010-01-12T21:52:00.005Z

Last weeks schools and colleges were shut all over Hampshire....but then yesterday Big School finally ran out of grit and the Registrar closed us down for a day,

SNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOW DAY!!!!!!

No work. No work at all. I mean I could have met some students but if I start encouraging people to come on to campus and then they fall over they could sue. I tell you what I think, this isn't health and safety gone mad it's health and safety gone Kraaaaaaaaazy. Who hoo....

So....video....computer...no....wait.... friends! Yes that's it. I'll spend my snow day playing with my friends That's what everyone does on a snow day. I fling open my address book and flick through it.

Matthew works in a bank, Bloke works in a school, BGD just busy. Sanjay paperwork. Tim is busy retraining as a minister. And so on and so on.

Damn! All my friends seem to have jobs. This just not fair. So made another snowman and then spent the day watching News 24.

Should have rung the Dave really and gone round his flat and had some fun. Only I have a suspicion he doesn't have a phone...or a flat...or the ability to have fun. Maybe I should have done something with Mrs Bloke. (Just nibbling at the ankles of inappropriate, there). Still, we should have more days off sledging. It would do us all the power of good as a county. Especially when the weather is better. Then we just need to lube the sledge. (I always have loads of lube in my office, as I believe I have pointed out before now)

Unfortunately salt arrived in the University Monday, so back to work we go.

Brrrrrrrr....

2010-01-07T21:39:00.003Z

Oh gosh, it's cold!

That's all!

(This post is only included for historical purposes for those searching the archives in 2011 onwards and wondering if I had anything to say during the coldest winter for 30 years.

After all this is so much worse than ever before. Compare this photo taken on the common yesterday

with this one taken last year

See completely different.)

Knock Knock

2010-01-06T23:58:00.002Z

I am considering something very radical.

A bit of a point of departure in my life. I have knocked at a door and the door has opened.

The question is do I go through it?

St Roger

2010-01-05T20:29:00.002Z

Happy St Rogers day.

St Roger of course, the patron saint of Beige slippers, beaded seat covers, easy listening and people who have damn good sex.

That's all true, I'm not one of those fly by night bloggers who just make stuff up, oh no. I look stuff up in a book.

It has pictures and not many words, but it's still a book, damn it!

Good ridence

2009-12-31T18:48:00.002Z

Right 2009, I've had quite enough of you, with your bloody cold weather, your recession, rising unemployment and falling investments. Your miserable news, your swine flu and your credit crunch.

"BUT wait!" screams our Annus horribilis "What about Barak Obama, the improving situation in Iraq and Susan Boyle?"

Pah! They could have been any year.

No, no, no 2009...you can just take everything about you and just *$@% off.

Right, I'm off to party like it's last decade.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T00:23:00.002Z

To everyone reading this....

May you be blessed in all you do. May you know Christ born in you.

And may all you feasting and drinking leave you just a little bit jaundiced.

Hmmmm...can't think of a title for this one.

2009-12-22T23:46:00.003Z

Freshly laid snow on the ground in front of the decorated tree.

Is doesn't get much more Christmassy than this. Today I sat in chaplaincy and no one came in all day. Coincedentally exactly what happened on the 22nd December last year. You know what? There's a real sense of achievement when you get when you actually manage to look at someone's entire photo collection on facebook. Each click, is this finally it?....No another one!

It's no fun on your own though, you can't play 'Hot or Sociable?' with those thousand pic profiles.

I think I might take tomorrow off.

Thoughts from the Graduations (Part 3)

2009-12-19T21:24:00.002Z

2 Days of graduations. Lots of subjects mostly post-grads.

Last of the lot was Psychology. Lots of polite applause except for one of the PhDs who received a degree accompanied by raucous whooping from two members of the audience.

"Hmmmm" I thought "Pushy parents. That explains a lot!"

Thoughts from the Graduations (part 2)

2009-12-19T00:54:00.003Z

The Vice Chancellors winter graduation dinner is sooooo much more enjoyable when you are actually invited.

This year is was beef. And a chocolate pudding. And my name was on the list.

Thoughts from the Graduations (part 1)

2009-12-17T21:49:00.003Z

Overheard outside graduations:

"...and under his robes he was wearing Yellow socks!"

"NO!"

"Yes!"

I tried not to take her disapproval personally. Honestly some people are so colourist.

HA HA!

2009-12-15T17:42:00.006Z

To the City Centre for Chrimbo Shopping. Upon my return to the car, I noticed this.

£500 of damage.

I can only assume that the note, left by the person who backed into my car, had blown away in the wind.

Of course this happening just before Christmas might make me feel all depressed.

BUT

SOD THAT! Actually, you know, I was planning to buy a new car in 2010 anyway so I've been saving up all year. Buying a new car would now be a silly thing to do, given what else has happened to me recently, all of which means I have a bit of money in the bank to fix my old car.

HA! You weren't expecting that were you, Cruel Fate? Noooooooooo! You were expecting some sort of hissy fit and lots of boo hoo-ing. You wanna piece of me? Well you can just take a flying &^%$. Your not even close to hard enough. I win! Ner Na Ner Ner Na! Raspberries to you, Cruel Fate!

Honestly, you consider yourself well and truly pwnt my ol' mucker!

Now you can just shove off back to the city of London to run that credit crunch.

Oh yes....I'm in a good mood today.

Le Weekend

2009-12-13T22:18:00.002Z

Taking time out today to add a little something extra to the dock at the bottom of my screen.

Looks pretty good.

Yes I'm still doing that open source thing. I can't keep on about being made redundant all the bloody time. There's only so much time you can pass in your own anal passage people!

Update

2009-12-11T21:59:00.002Z

For those who are interested, just over two weeks since the diocese made their decision the students of Southampton University have managed to raise just over 10% of the money needed to keep me in post.

Go back and read that line again.

Yes that's right. The students. Not a rich benefactor or parish, not a fund or a denomination. The students have provided a large amount of money towards their own pastoral care.

I should stress this is not 10% as a one off. This is 10% per year, until further notice.

Sugary Support

2009-12-10T21:01:00.006Z

I have received so much support since 'the vote' but I think today's offering goes the extra mile.

The arrival of an anonymous present.

A package arrived addressed to 'The Chaplaincy Groupies and Chaplains, University of Southampton'

Inside we discovered some wonderfully delicious fudge.

And some coloured sugar mice. Guess which one I ate.

It had come all the way from Scotland. It made us all feel looked after.

Whoever you are thank you so much!

Back to Basics

2009-12-07T14:55:00.003Z

Apparently in moments of stress we return to that which we know best.

I spoke at CU on Friday. It is not the first time, I have spoken several times, and I spoke of living by faith of trusting God for the future.

It is almost 20 years since I became a Christian. I was bought up, by a mother and a father who were mostly anti Christianity.

They did get me Christened just shortly after I was adopted at the age of 5. It was at that time I got all my infant immunizations (I was never taken to the Doctor before then as my father was worried the GP would see the bruises) It seems like my Baptism was part of the same process of bringing me up to date. I was Spiritually inoculated at the same time as I was protected against the measles.

In 1990 I was taken to a Church, Shinewater Christian Fellowship, by a woman I fancied. A student, as it happens, at the University of Kent. A week later in a house, Number 123 Victoria Drive I decided to pray the prayer and become a Christian.

Since then my journey has taken me to several different Churches. From SCF, I journeyed into the Church of England, To HTB when I lived in London, with occasional pop-ins to All Soul's Langham Place. I was a youth worker with Holy Trinity, Maisons-Laffitte in the Parisian Suburbs. For a while I was part of St Andrew The Great in Cambridge before ending up looking after an FE college as Chaplain in Crawley and then finally getting ordained.

That journey started when I put my faith in God and has continued with him.

Now I am forced back on to the back foot, it is to that first faith I return. To the God of the Bible, in whom I first put my faith. To the Gospel in which I found freedom. To the person of Jesus Christ at who's feet I have spiritually sat.

we now begin a long process as the Bishop seeks 'wider ownership' of my post, with the resulting funds, I fall back simply into trusting God, and to that first faith I had.

I find myself asking why I do this job.

The only answer that is of any importance has to be this:

I have to do it for God.

Faith/ Unfaith

2009-12-03T21:00:00.002Z

Today my assistant was called to Scott-Joynt Island (it's like Tracy Island only its a bit more ecclesiastical and has a lot less cash) for a meeting at Diocesan HQ. This is known affectionately in the diocese as OAP (for Old Alresford Place) which just says old and clapped out in my ears so I'm choosing to go with more of a Thunderbirds metaphor which speaks of the sort of dynamism that is the hallmark of the Winchester Diocese I know.

I also had a chat with the head of student services.

There are a couple of things I have to note following on from that.

Firstly the funding for my post has been cut, the post has not. The trouble is this kind of sounds like the same thing, but isn't. When you are made redundant in the real world they take away your job and thus save the money.

But in this case they are actually trying to find alternative funding, if they can find alternative funding I will stay in post.

This is not redundancy. Several people read my post on the diocesan synod and assumed it is all over. The noises that my assistant heard at Scott-Joynt Island indicate that is not necessarily the case. Having said that every clergyman I speak to seem to want to give me a large wadge of realism. They always seem to want me to think about where I would like to be Vicar of next. Why are vicar's so full of unfaith?

The students have now raised about £1k

The students are revolting

2009-12-02T21:45:00.003Z

Day 1. The rest of my life.

Something has happened to my students. The chaplaincy has taken on a life of it's own.

The first day the students decided to set off the reading for morning prayer was Jesus sending out the 12 disciples. I felt him say to me, come on if I can entrust the mission of the entire church that bunch, you can let the students do what they do.

They put a lot of effort into the facebook group and the petition, but I was wondering if following on from the synod decision if that might not be game over.

No.

The students have started fund raising.

The students it seems are not going to sit around and wait for the University or the church to cough up for their chaplaincy they have already started to collect money from among themselves. I am told that a day later and they have already raised £400.

These are students, people with literally no income. Frankly this level of commitment -substantially higher than the 88p being asked for from the rest of the diocese- does slightly put others round here to shame.

There is here real resentment to the diocese the students seem to feel pretty strongly let down by them, and by the Bishop. This saddens me.

The students are going to start up a trust fund rather than simply pass money on to the diocese. Something I personally have advised against, but I think it is a symptom of their general disillusionment with the Diocese. They want to ensure they have a say over things in future.

As for me, I'm not sure what it would mean for me to be supported by my 'congregation' rather than the diocese. What would it mean for me to be supported by students?

Obviously it would mean that when I left University and got a job, I'd have to pay it all back!

But apart from that I notice I have a sense of excitement. I am now moving from the old certainties, I will get paid, this much, no more no less, and live in this house because and only because I am a priest. I am finding there is a real peace and freedom in living beyond that. This is a snap shot of the future. Even though parish ministry is very secure employment now, one day, long before I retire it will no longer be.

Finally I began, for the first time to relate to those Anglo-catholics who are just about to be off to the ordinariate. They are on the same journey as me. They like me, may have to take a pay cut, or find there is no financial support at all. They like me, may find themselves having to move house.

Like me, they must have a mixture of concern and excitement, and genuine faith as they realise that they have no idea where they will be come Christmas 2010.

Of course, I could get overly carried away with fraternal felicitations, I am doing this because I love my students and Jesus, rather than because I hate women and the modern world.

What happens next

2009-12-01T22:18:00.005Z

Do you ever watch the news and then a few months later think...I wonder what happened there? Often even if the end of a story is covered it is on the inside pages and you miss it.

I was on the local news on Saturday, and on Sunday. There was a piece in the Times they decided not to focus on me although I had quite a few conversations with their reporter. I am in the Church Times (lovely picture apparently) and the Tablet may want to chat to me (so far they have spoken to the president of Cathsoc).

But the story is already dying down. It is a personal sadness to me that instead of focusing on the story of 1,000+ students who want a chaplain -in this day and age 1,000 students, why isn't that news?- the news people have focused on how upset I must be and how awful this is for me personally.

Now of course the news people will go away and the story will die a death.

So I have decided to use this blog to tell of what happens next. After all I don't know any unemployed vicars. I only know Vicars who have been forcibly removed from office or who have left in despair, but I don't know any who want to do the job, are in good standing with the Bishop and still not getting paid. That of course will change in the future, and I may be the first in a long line of vicars on the dole. So if you've ever wanted to know how a story ends, or what becomes of a chaplain when your church doesn't pay its parish share, then pull up a chair and spend some time. Indulge your morbid curiosity.

In the meantime I'm going to change one or two thing around here. Starting with that line about being dooced. Seems rather surpassed by events.

Also has anyone ever actually met Dave Walker, in his photos he looks tall and thin...is he? There is a reason for my asking.

Rest and recoperation

2009-11-29T23:08:00.003Z

Right it has been a long week and I am now taking a step back. I have to rest and take my bearings and allow the news to settle.

I am therefore doing something I never do. I'm taking a day off during the week in term time.

I know I have too much work to do but I think I need this.

So once I have posted this I am going offline until Tuesday morning. E-mails will be unanswered, facebook will mostly be ignored, comments will go unmoderated (but feel free to make them), and I am going to try not to think about Chaplaincy, although as always my students and the staff remain in my prayers.

I have all of series 1 and most of series 3 of "The Thick of it" and that should occupy me for the day. I might call a friend or two. (By the way Armando Iannucci, is lovely and apparently knows loads of Vicars...at least that's what he told me!)

Thank you for all your support, I have been overwhelmed and I want to respond to each and every person individually. I'm not sure how to, there are so many responses to be responded to.

Meanwhile I need students to decide among themselves who is going to go shopping. I need the biggest, brightest, reddest plastic bin with the word 'DONATIONS' painted on it, and I need it in my chaplaincy.

Until Tuesday.

xxx

Diocesan Synod

2009-11-28T13:44:00.005Z

A short drive to Winchester, and I arrived outside the Guildhall the setting for the special synod to discuss the diocesan budget.

I was greeted by my Assistant Tom and John, one of the students. There to remind synod of the existence of chaplaincy.

The meeting opened with prayers and then we turned to the matter at hand. The diocese had a budget shortfall and the a new budget had to be approved.

It was the Bishop of Basingstoke who stood to present the proposal, he spoke of our calling as a diocesan family. He spoke of the future and of resourcing what me are called to do and not doing what we can resource. He then turned to the Budget and the cutting of posts as proposed. It was exactly as the Church Times had reported there were a number of clergy posts being cut, of course my post was one of them.

The Bishop dealt with that fairly swiftly, pointing out that in Prison chaplaincy it is the Home Office that funds the post, and that no one should accuse the Church of pulling out of chaplaincy. They simply were looking to rethink funding.

There was then several people who responded. Everyone who stood spoke in favour of the retention of posts, and I had hope of success, but when a woman from Romsey deanery spoke about the fact that we were just going to 'have to pass' the budget I realised that it was going to be almost impossible to secure the funding for my post. Over coffee I overheard one person saying "There are 24,000 students and we're paying for them to have a chaplain, there are 22,000 people living in our deanery and we have 6 vicars and the students aren't paying a penny for one of them."

'Cock' I thought.

As the debate wore on there was increasingly a desire to see more money given, there was increasing talk of communicating with the diocese what was needed, it was noted to reverse every single cut proposed today each and ever member of the church in Winchester Diocese had only to give 88p per week(gift aided). There was some considerable disquiet about cutting the curate posts from 9 to 7 for one year only, people noted this was the future of the Church and one vicar offered to take a £1,000 pay cut in order to ensure that does not take place.

There was some complaint that the diocese did not know what was being considered because the document was kept secret. The Bishop responded that it was confidential not secret and that he wished it would be shared within the diocese with anyone who wanted to know.

Finally I rose to my feet to speak.

I knew what I had to say needed to be good, I spoke without notes and without preparing. I had been praying for guidance as to what to say.

I addressed the Bishop's comment about the need to partner with the institution and ecumenical partners. With the removal of all the money in what sense can we say we are partners? What are we offering? The Bishop responded 'Housing'.

I read to synod from 2 Corinthians 3 and stated that I wanted to be judged only on the work that I had done these 4 and a half years. On the people I had worked with. I spoke about the petition by nearly 850 people to retain my post, it was the first time it had been mentioned. I spoke about the nearly 1,000 students who had joined a group asking for me to be kept in post. The fact that head of one department of the University has e-mailed me to let me know the department were 'praying for me'.

I spoke of the many students who are interested in ordained ministry and I spoke of the many offers I have had this week, from individual students, from parents and from alumni. Offers of prayer, but also offers of money to help fund the chaplaincy.

Finally I said, that if the church would not fund me I would stay in post unpaid and trust God for the finances. An offer I do not make lightly and so I repeat publicly here. Perhaps we need a demonstration of living by faith and I am happy to do that by lived example.

As I sat the synod erupted into applause.

But then we moved quickly to a vote.

First there were two amendments, one to retain the Chaplain to the Deaf and another to retain a University Chaplaincy. Synod was told that since these amendments did not contain a proposal for cutting the amount of money needed to provide the expenditure necessary they were 'uncosted' and therefore could not be considered. Both amendments were withdrawn. One had been tabled by a mother with two profoundly deaf children.

In the end the synod had been given an opportunity to express its opinions but the vote when it came was on the budget as a whole. The Bishop of Basingstoke made it clear that we could not in any way pick apart the budget and look at individual proposals or posts. The thing had to be looked at as a whole, he said.

The Diocesan Secretary noted that without a budget the Diocese would not be able 'to spend a penny' and as a result, it would seem, the entire work of the Diocese would ground to a halt on 1st January 2010. A prospect that would have many a vicar 'spending a penny'.

Thus it was hardly surprising that synod passed the budget nearly unanimously.

The funding has therefore been withdrawn for my post, and unless alternative funding is found, somewhere in the region of 350 people giving £5 a month (or between $8 and $9), I will be made redundant.

I need more than 350 people not to give, but to pray.

Indeed as I was just saying

2009-11-27T22:56:00.003Z

I have been maudlin. It's not helping. I'm now in a determined mood. It seems to me that we have to start fighting now.

This post is clearly too important to loose and I will simply not let that happen.

By now the news is completely out of the bag, so everyone knows that synod is going to be deciding tomorrow as to whether or not I keep my job. The decision is purely financial, so the fact that nearly 1,000 students have complained is bound to be of relevance.

Today I have spoken to the BBC, The Times, and assorted others.

I have to go to synod tomorrow and I do not know if I will speak, or whether to let the petition speak for itself. But I now see the level of support there is, not just for this post but for me personally and it makes me realise that I cannot simply give up or just accept what the Church decrees. I must move heaven and earth to stay here.

And I will.

What a difference a day makes

2009-11-27T11:44:00.002Z

Today is a good day and the Lord is good....and I'm going to tell you all about it in about a hour.

See you then

Y

xx

Truth 2: I am not currently facing redundancy

2009-11-26T00:01:00.006Z

This is a difficult blog to write. Hell they all are at the moment.

I have been trying to keep this to myself, but thanks to a leak from Winchester Deanery and some intelligent students reading between the lines of the fact that I have had to have a meeting with both the Bishop and the Assistant Area Dean in the space of 24 hours and now this is so firmly in the public domain that I have to say something.

The Diocese has a budget shortfall.

There is a synod on Saturday at which various proposals are to be considered. No decision has been made. But something clearly has to give. But what that is, has yet to be seen.

What I'm going to do here is not present the budget, or even discuss it, what I want to do is to tell you about the week I have had.

On Tuesday I had a meeting with the Bishop and on Wednesday I had a similar one with the Assistant Area Dean. I tried very hard to be normal and not keep things to myself. I suppose I was bad at it. I started to receive e-mails from students and facebook messages. They all said the same thing. "Are you alright?" my Catholic Colleague asked the same thing. As the week wore on, and I said nothing, the rumors started circulating. The favorite was that I was finally being dooced for that blog about Rowan Williams. Every time this was raised I flat out denied it. It was completely not true. Was the Bishop unhappy with my work? They asked. Again I vigorously denied it.

Some point in the week I discovered my chaplaincy assistant in the catholic chaplain's office, he looked like he had been crying. I felt I needed to say something to him.

Mixed messages have been my most pressing concern. On the one hand someone 'high up' told me that this would be impossible to keep confidential once the papers were out. You can send this to 350 people and expect every one to keep it quiet. Someone else said 'We want to have a public debate'. Then again everything was marked confidential. So what am I supposed to do? Seriously.

Mostly, in fact almost entirely, I got on doing my job. I love my job.

On Friday as the papers went out I took my assistant on one side and spoke to him of the possibilities. I was worried about him. I'm his pastor. By then I was aware that 4 or 5 students were going to be doing something about my 'doocing'. Someone mentioned a facebook group.

A lot of facebook groups exist and don't get many members. I was once invited to 'Stevens of the world Unite'. It had four members. I suspect there are actually more Stevens in the world than that.

A student once threatened to set up a 'We love Yellow' facebook group. when it failed to materialise she admitted she hadn't done it because she felt I might be a bit upset when it only got 7 members. I expected the facebook group to just sit there in space. Maybe it would get 12 members. Maybe 13, I don't know.

By Monday afternoon it seemed to have got a lot more. The head of student services had been in my office. Apparently counseling and the mentor service had filled up with students who were upset about my leaving. It appeared that the facebook group had got over 100 members. That surprised me. It worried me that they had accidentally told the University what they thought was about to happen. I wondered if I should inform the diocese. Perhaps I hesitated because I didn't want to admit that there were a bunch of student agitating on my behalf. Mostly I just thought this would all go away. OK the University knew something was up, but this was still on campus. Still quite isolated.

I first spotted a group of chaplaincy hang-arounds on the concourse around that time. They were organising a petition. I wondered over in their direction just in time to overhear a student telling them in no uncertain terms to get stuffed.

"I don't use the chaplaincy, I don't care!" he said. I decided to leave them to it. 35 signatures maximum, I figured. How would I pick up the pieces when they spectacularly failed to gain any support on campus?

Now I have a situation where the students are demanding to see the Diocesan Secretary, they have shown me a wadge of paper, page after page of signatures from students. And I am fielding calls from the national media. My blog is taking numerous hits, and I don't know who is reading. This has got round to our ecumenical partners and I have had to speak to them.

I have so many questions. Should I say something, or nothing, should I speak to the press, or refuse? (where is the diocesan press officer when you need one?). Reading the response of the diocese tonight, there is some support for me but then again, no. Have I annoyed them? Add to that a person from the University telling me that, if anyone ever leaves post, in a storm of negative publicity for their employer, they make themselves virtually unemployable. I have this all going round my head.

Mostly, I am just simply cracking up, under the pressure. When this was discussed at Deanery Chapter I hyperventilated and nearly threw up. In a very real sense I am coming appart at the seams.

I feel so alone.

I have tried to live a quiet life. I've tried to ensure that my file at Diocesan house is as thin as possible. I've sat on diocesan synod and written a blog read by 20 students and a bloke in California.

All I have tried to do, is to work in my little bit of the Lord's vineyard. All I ever wanted was to be a University Chaplain, and I have put all my effort into repaying the trust that the Church placed in me. I tried to be the most effective chaplain to the University of Southampton that I can be.

Is it now a problem that I have in some small sense succeeded?

Ok well

2009-11-24T20:58:00.001Z

Things are moving far too quickly for my liking now.

I will have to post something in response tomorrow.

Unless I get time to tonight.

First my flock are down the pub and Jesus wants me to join them.